Today was a day filled with vomit…luckily just hers and not mine. (Though there was the moment when Briana threw up down my shirt and into my bra that I came pretty close. Gross!)
Last night was pretty filled with spit-up as well, but I managed to not get any on me. Hallelujah for small favors.
In an effort to keep her asleep in the hours she had previously been screaming, I broke my own rule and woke her at about 11:30 to feed her. Briana fell promptly back to sleep, and slept straight through until 1:30, so mission sort of accomplished. Nature pulled a cruel trick however, and I couldn’t fall asleep! I lay there listening to her quietly breathing, peacefully sleeping, and I was wide awake. *sigh*
I could have used that sleep, too, because once she woke up at 1:30, she didn’t fall asleep again until 6:15. So all I really managed to do was move the start of the screaming from midnight to 1:30. Mission not accomplished after all. Sad day.
Breast feeding is a pain in the…rear. I wasn’t meant for it. I screwed everything up by giving her a pacifier the other night in a desperate bid for quiet. Now she is back to not latching properly, as she tries to suck on my nipple like it’s a pacifier. It hurts, and no matter how many times I try to get her to latch properly, she goes right back to doing the same thing. It makes my toes curl, it hurts so bad. I have been using lanolin cream (I think that’s what it’s called), and that helps some, but not a lot.
Everyone pushes breastfeeding so hard at you, that a) you feel like a failure when you can’t get it right and b) you feel like a bad mom when you contemplate stopping. Everyone says it is such a great bonding experience. At this point, it is so frustrating for the both of us that I feel like it is interfering with bonding rather than encouraging it.
I have come so close to just pumping and giving her a bottle…several times last night and the night before to be sure. But I feel so pressured to keep trying – even though it makes me feel so frustrated and angry that I have to walk away from her sometimes. I worry that I am not feeding her well enough to nourish her, and that is why she is so fussy and unhappy. But then, she spits up so often, I don’t know if I am feeding her too much! *sigh* What is a new mom to do?
All I know is that I spent two hours crying with her last night, and a couple hours crying with her today. I feel like I am not doing a good job, even though everyone keeps saying I am doing a great job with her and that I am a “natural” at this whole mom thing. If I am such a natural, why can’t I figure this out?
Bummed Out New Mommy