I have not written a blog in a couple of days, so I thought I should check in. Briana is doing really well. She has started sleeping tiny amounts at night…ten minutes here, half an hour there, forty-five minutes here. It’s not much, but it’s a start. She has been spitting up less as well…we’re not sure why, because we haven’t done anything differently, but I’m glad she’s feeling better, and glad I’m not getting puked on every ten minutes. She’s been growing like crazy. It feels like every time I pick her up she is longer and heavier.
She has been randomly smiling. Not sure if it’s “gas smiles” or not, but they’re pretty freakin’ cute smiles either way. She was giggling in her sleep the other day, too, it was the most adorable thing ever. Briana has also started making some noises other than crying, screaming, or grunting. They’re kind of happy sounding noises. Not really coos, but definitely getting there! David and I call them her “talking at us” noises, because it kind of seems like that’s what she is doing.
Her one month check up is this week. Seriously? Has it been a month already? It seems like we just brought her home a few days ago. I’m excited to learn how much weight she has gained and how much she has grown.
I’ve been feeling kind of down the past couple of days. I’m not sure why. It could be exhaustion, or it could be my depression creeping back up on me, or it could be that I’m feeling depressed because I am so exhausted. I think part of it is how much I sleep during the day. First of all, I associate day-time sleeping with those times when I have been paralyzingly (I think I just made up a word) depressed, and secondly, sleeping during the day makes me feel guilty. Add that to the fact that I feel guilty for sleeping and not spending more time with the baby during the day, and you have one screwed up recipe for depression.
I know it’s ridiculous to feel guilty for sleeping during the day when I’m not getting any (good) sleep at night. It’s not as if I’m neglecting Briana. I sleep while she is sleeping, and I’m awake while she’s awake. So she doesn’t know the difference anyway.
I hold her and talk to her and feed her and change her diapers and rock her and sing to her every time she is awake. I love watching her facial expressions – her little frowns and smiles (I don’t care if they’re gas smiles, they’re still smiles), and her confused face when I kiss her adorable face over and over. Her little hungry face is adorable, too, when she makes an “o” with her little lips and starts waving her hands around like “Hey! Can’t a girl get some food around here?”
I’ve been feeling really guilty, like I should be spending more time taking care of the baby and being a good mom. David keeps telling me that I am being a good mom, and that I need to cut myself some slack. Here’s the thing: I’m terrible at cutting myself some slack. I’ve always been really hard on myself, and when I get depressed I tend to beat myself up all the more. So right now, I’ve got on my boxing gloves, and I am beating myself senseless.
The night shift is really kicking my butt. There’s a reason that I work days, I think. I’m not meant to be awake all night and asleep most of the day. 😦
I’ll try to make my next post more cheerful, I promise. I just had to vent a little bit. It is my blog after all…I can write whatever I want. 🙂
Depressed New Mommy
Is it weird that I’m using a picture of me smiling for the post where I’m talking about feeling down? Anyway, I love cuddling my baby girl.