Feeling a bit down.

Published December 1, 2012 by jessicalynndunning

I have not written a blog in a couple of days, so I thought I should check in. Briana is doing really well. She has started sleeping tiny amounts at night…ten minutes here, half an hour there, forty-five minutes here. It’s not much, but it’s a start. She has been spitting up less as well…we’re not sure why, because we haven’t done anything differently, but I’m glad she’s feeling better, and glad I’m not getting puked on every ten minutes. She’s been growing like crazy. It feels like every time I pick her up she is longer and heavier.

She has been randomly smiling. Not sure if it’s “gas smiles” or not, but they’re pretty freakin’ cute smiles either way. She was giggling in her sleep the other day, too, it was the most adorable thing ever. Briana has also started making some noises other than crying, screaming, or grunting. They’re kind of happy sounding noises. Not really coos, but definitely getting there! David and I call them her “talking at us” noises, because it kind of seems like that’s what she is doing.

Her one month check up is this week. Seriously? Has it been a month already? It seems like we just brought her home a few days ago. I’m excited to learn how much weight she has gained and how much she has grown.

I’ve been feeling kind of down the past couple of days. I’m not sure why. It could be exhaustion, or it could be my depression creeping back up on me, or it could be that I’m feeling depressed because I am so exhausted. I think part of it is how much I sleep during the day. First of all, I associate day-time sleeping with those times when I have been paralyzingly (I think I just made up a word) depressed, and secondly, sleeping during the day makes me feel guilty. Add that to the fact that I feel guilty for sleeping and not spending more time with the baby during the day, and you have one screwed up recipe for depression.

I know it’s ridiculous to feel guilty for sleeping during the day when I’m not getting any (good) sleep at night. It’s not as if I’m neglecting Briana. I sleep while she is sleeping, and I’m awake while she’s awake. So she doesn’t know the difference anyway.

I hold her and talk to her and feed her and change her diapers and rock her and sing to her every time she is awake. I love watching her facial expressions – her little frowns and smiles (I don’t care if they’re gas smiles, they’re still smiles), and her confused face when I kiss her adorable face over and over. Her little hungry face is adorable, too, when she makes an “o” with her little lips and starts waving her hands around like “Hey! Can’t a girl get some food around here?”

I digress.

I’ve been feeling really guilty, like I should be spending more time taking care of the baby and being a good mom. David keeps telling me that I am being a good mom, and that I need to cut myself some slack. Here’s the thing: I’m terrible at cutting myself some slack. I’ve always been really hard on myself, and when I get depressed I tend to beat myself up all the more. So right now, I’ve got on my boxing gloves, and I am beating myself senseless.

The night shift is really kicking my butt. There’s a reason that I work days, I think. I’m not meant to be awake all night and asleep most of the day. 😦

I’ll try to make my next post more cheerful, I promise. I just had to vent a little bit. It is my blog after all…I can write whatever I want. πŸ™‚

Depressed New Mommy

Cuddling my baby girl.

Is it weird that I’m using a picture of me smiling for the post where I’m talking about feeling down? Anyway, I love cuddling my baby girl.

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7 comments on “Feeling a bit down.

  • You definitely need to cut yourself some slack. Sleep as much as you can when you can! Briana needs a mother who is on the ball, not too exhausted to pay enough attention to her. You souldn’t feel guilty. Feel happy that you are doing the right thing for both of you. Depression is an awful beast and so easy to fall into with a new baby and exhaustion. Remember to take care of you. It is not neglect, it is the best way to help your daughter. And remember that nights do get easier. Even if it doesn’t seem like it now.

  • A few words that I live by pretty much daily, sleep is for the weak, Red Bull makes you strong! πŸ™‚ She is out of you now, go back to enjoying the little things like coffee and what not that will give you a little boost. As far as sleeping during the day, keep waking her up. I know every agrees not to wake a sleeping baby, but she has her days and nights mixed up and you have to change that. When you go to her one month check up, ask the dr for some advice on switching her to a more normal schedule. I know it is hard, I have been there, but just remember, as my dad would say, this too shall pass!

  • One thing that worked for us was doing a double feeding in the middle of the night. I’ll explain:
    Basically, Shlomo didn’t get fed less than two and a half hours after the last feeding. If he cried in between, we assumed that he was either bored (hold him, play with him, talk to him), tired (naptime), gassy (anti-gas medicine), or dirty (diaper change). Or wanted the other parent (either hand him over or explain why you can’t).

    At night, instead of waiting the usual 2.5-3 hours (usually three) in between feedings, we fed him two hours apart, i.e., at 6pm and at 8pm. Then we had a bedtime routine (pajamas, book, singing) and he went to bed a drowsy but not asleep. All I can say is: We’re still doing it, and it’s still working – 21 months later. We didn’t put a bath in that routine – the bath he got before the second evening feeding, so that it wouldn’t be connected. Because let’s face it, not every night does he need a bath, and not every night do we have time or are up to it – or are even able.

    We were woken up once at about 4am (then 5am, and much later 6am) for an early-morning feeding, BUT it was once a night, AND I could go back to sleep until 8 or 9. So, not too bad. We still get woken up at 6am (usually), and give him a cup of milk. The difference: None of us go back to sleep, usually.

    Sorry for the long post, hope this works as well for you as it did for me!

  • Correction: We don’t give him two feedings; we let him eat supper, play for about forty minutes, and then feed him more supper. Yeah, he’s getting too big for it. Yeah, it still works, so we are loathe to give it up.

  • Hey Jess! It’s Mayra (MayraLR) from Passporter. I’m really enjoying your blog. And Briana is so adorable. I have to say that you’ve been handling yourself quite well for being a first time mommy. I remember my second child would keep me up for hours at night. I’d hold him, rock him and cry tears of desperation all at the same time. I took naps during the day when he was down but I also had a 3 year old. He was an angel because he’d watch tv while I rested and once in a while he’d come and check on me. Did I feel guilty? Kind of. But I did what I had to do to survive. Nothing prepares you for motherhood and all the sacrifices and challenges that come with it. I know that even if I tell you shouldn’t feel guilty, you still will feel that way. But remember one very important thing: SURVIVAL. For now just cherish those moments with your baby because they grow up so fast and then you’ll wonder where did the time go. Hope things start getting better for you.

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