Rough Days…

Published March 7, 2013 by jessicalynndunning

Today was literally the most frustrating day that I have had as a mom thus far. It wasn’t really Briana’s fault, it was more a combination of things, but it was definitely far from a good day.

I had a restless night. I couldn’t sleep…I kept waking up every few minutes. I finally fell into a deep sleep at five in the morning, but Briana uncharacteristically woke up at six. She usually sleeps until at least 8:30, and in the last five days, she hasn’t woken up before ten in the morning.

I tried to sooth her without taking her out of her bed, but that wasn’t happening, so I changed her diaper and tried to put her back to bed. Didn’t work. Got her a bottle, and she started eating like she was starving, so I hoped that she would simply eat and go back to sleep.

Ugh. Wishful thinking on my part. She was all giggly and energetic after her bottle. Normally this would be cute. This morning it was making me want to cry. I was practically begging her to be sleepy. Then she stopped being giggly and started crying. And screaming. And flailing around. So I cried with her. And when we were both all cried out, she fell asleep on my shoulder.

I held her for a few minutes. I don’t think there is a better feeling in the world than holding your baby while she sleeps. By the time she fell back asleep it was after eight. I collapsed back into bed, and was so happy to wake up to find that she slept until noon.

For a while, she and I did okay. She and I were both smiling, and we both got something to eat, and we both got dressed and played a little bit. And then, if you’ll pardon my language, it all sort of went to hell.

Briana randomly started screaming. At first I was worried that something was wrong. I checked her diaper, gave her mylecon drops in case it was gas, I tried to give her a bottle. I offered her a cold teething ring, tried to entertain her with her toys, tried rocking her to sleep. Nothing helped.

I kept my patience. I tried it all again. We rocked, and bounced, and danced, and sang, and finally she conked out and slept on my shoulder for ten minutes. Sigh of relief, until she woke up and started being fussy again.

It was like that all day long. I even checked her temperature at one point to be sure. At 4:00 when David was scheduled to be off of work, I called him on his cell. “You’re getting off work on time today right?” “Yeah, why?” “Because I need you to get home as fast as you can and take Briana from me.”

I had lost my patience. It wasn’t just her, I mean, I was exhausted, but I had to keep my distance from her the rest of the evening, I just didn’t want to listen to her cry anymore, or try to comfort her. I have been pretty depressed the last couple of days, and very tired. But losing my patience with her today made me feel so guilty. I felt like such a terrible mom. I mean, she’s four months old. She’s not being difficult on purpose.

David took care of her this afternoon and evening for me. And I’m sure tomorrow will be a better day for Briana and I. But I still feel very guilty. I feel like I should always want to hold her and take care of her and love on her. But she just refused to be comforted by me today, and of course the more tense I got, the worse she got, and after a while I couldn’t relax and calm down anymore.

Ugh.

Anyway, she fell asleep early tonight, but I needed to blog before I went to bed…I just needed some me time. Am I a terrible mom for losing my cool?

A New Mommy Feeling Down

 

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7 comments on “Rough Days…

  • Awww…Jess. Believe me when I say I think every mother has been in that exact spot at some point. We have all felt that guilt. I remember calling my mom after putting Cailyn upstairs in her crib screaming, and crying on the phone about how I felt so guilty that I just couldn’t deal and had to put her there for a few minutes to compose myself. Then you add the guilt that you can’t stop whatever it is that is bothering the baby so much that they are fussing, crying, and/or screaming. You feel like your the mom, you’re suppose to be able to soothe and comfort your child, and when you can’t you start to feel like “I am a horrible mom.” In all reality, you are a great mom and should feel proud. Calling David, and admitting that you were overwhelmed and needed some time, space and help….well that proves that you are!

    Believe me again, when I say….you’re absolutely right, tomorrow will be a better day. Every day is different, some days are great and others not so much. Even when Briana is almost 9 years old, and you are sick, exhausted and your patience is nil…and Briana is seeming to do anything to sitr you up, including not stopping to take a breath bc she is talking so much and you end up yelling (there’s the guilt), and then you finally resort to paying her a quarter to be silent from the grocery store to home. (Did I mention this scenario happened to me a couple weeks ago? Yeah, best quarter I ever spent, lol).

    This blog is wonderful for you as an outlet, if for nothing else to know you are not alone and with this girl…you are not.

    Here’s hoping for a better day for both you and Briana. 🙂

  • No, you’re a human being for losing your cool. Being around a screaming baby or toddler Wears. You. Out. We have had “shriek week” this past week (and maybe a half). And the moment my husband gets home I say, “You take him, I’ve been dealing with this all day and I need some quiet.” Obviously, since he’s two, it’s not really all day, but even seven bouts of screaming for twenty minutes each is AWFUL.

    Remember, no baby ever died (or got injured) from screaming for five minutes while mom had a cup of tea to calm her nerves. It’s nobody’s favorite thing to do and I feel guilty when I do it, but if it’s that or falling apart, do it.

    Also, I like sleeping and little boy likes to wake up early. So since he was a baby, I would take him into my bed in the morning (when I’m not sleeping deeply) and just snuggle. Now I don’t have to worry about him, as long as he doesn’t fall off. Then, I put one arm under his head and one arm over his tummy and pulled the blankets and my pillow far far away from his face, and rocked him while I was laying on my side, singing softly. Eventually we would both fall asleep, but before I did, I transferred him to his own bed. Now we just sleep together, if we can sleep, or just rest. MUCH better than being up and jumping around when you’re about to fall flat on your face. 🙂 And even if you don’t sleep, because you’re worried about co-sleeping, lying down quietly while she relaxes and/or sleeps is still a much nicer thing to do than getting up. 😀

  • You are doing a fine job. Yeah – the guilts will be there all your life now. But it’s ok. They will make you feel guilty even into their 20’s! Ours can guilt me into anything. Car broke down and they need money to just wanting a certain thing for dinner. But I agree with Sparky – you did the right thing by calling David and knowing that you needed to take a break. You got this. You are a great mom!

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