Today was literally the most frustrating day that I have had as a mom thus far. It wasn’t really Briana’s fault, it was more a combination of things, but it was definitely far from a good day.
I had a restless night. I couldn’t sleep…I kept waking up every few minutes. I finally fell into a deep sleep at five in the morning, but Briana uncharacteristically woke up at six. She usually sleeps until at least 8:30, and in the last five days, she hasn’t woken up before ten in the morning.
I tried to sooth her without taking her out of her bed, but that wasn’t happening, so I changed her diaper and tried to put her back to bed. Didn’t work. Got her a bottle, and she started eating like she was starving, so I hoped that she would simply eat and go back to sleep.
Ugh. Wishful thinking on my part. She was all giggly and energetic after her bottle. Normally this would be cute. This morning it was making me want to cry. I was practically begging her to be sleepy. Then she stopped being giggly and started crying. And screaming. And flailing around. So I cried with her. And when we were both all cried out, she fell asleep on my shoulder.
I held her for a few minutes. I don’t think there is a better feeling in the world than holding your baby while she sleeps. By the time she fell back asleep it was after eight. I collapsed back into bed, and was so happy to wake up to find that she slept until noon.
For a while, she and I did okay. She and I were both smiling, and we both got something to eat, and we both got dressed and played a little bit. And then, if you’ll pardon my language, it all sort of went to hell.
Briana randomly started screaming. At first I was worried that something was wrong. I checked her diaper, gave her mylecon drops in case it was gas, I tried to give her a bottle. I offered her a cold teething ring, tried to entertain her with her toys, tried rocking her to sleep. Nothing helped.
I kept my patience. I tried it all again. We rocked, and bounced, and danced, and sang, and finally she conked out and slept on my shoulder for ten minutes. Sigh of relief, until she woke up and started being fussy again.
It was like that all day long. I even checked her temperature at one point to be sure. At 4:00 when David was scheduled to be off of work, I called him on his cell. “You’re getting off work on time today right?” “Yeah, why?” “Because I need you to get home as fast as you can and take Briana from me.”
I had lost my patience. It wasn’t just her, I mean, I was exhausted, but I had to keep my distance from her the rest of the evening, I just didn’t want to listen to her cry anymore, or try to comfort her. I have been pretty depressed the last couple of days, and very tired. But losing my patience with her today made me feel so guilty. I felt like such a terrible mom. I mean, she’s four months old. She’s not being difficult on purpose.
David took care of her this afternoon and evening for me. And I’m sure tomorrow will be a better day for Briana and I. But I still feel very guilty. I feel like I should always want to hold her and take care of her and love on her. But she just refused to be comforted by me today, and of course the more tense I got, the worse she got, and after a while I couldn’t relax and calm down anymore.
Anyway, she fell asleep early tonight, but I needed to blog before I went to bed…I just needed some me time. Am I a terrible mom for losing my cool?
A New Mommy Feeling Down