My sleep schedule is totally turned around right now. At night, I can’t sleep. And during the day, I am struggling to remain awake enough to care properly for my daughter.
Don’t panic or report me to the authorities just yet, hear me out first!
I get up with her in the morning and feed her and change her, and usually sit on the floor with her and play with her. But lately I’ve been sitting on the floor to play and waking up with her crawling all over me, pulling my hair, banging on my face. Now, we have the living room baby proofed, and blocked off so she can’t get out and explore the rest of the apartment, since we are still trying to get everything unpacked and put away, and I feel that the rest of the apartment isn’t truly safe for exploration yet. But I still feel guilty every time I wake up to find she has been effectively left to her own devices while mommy snoozed on the floor.
I have been having panic attacks at night, which makes me anxious that I’ll have more, which gets my adrenaline pumping, which in turn keeps me awake and causes me to panic about not getting sleep, which in turn leads to more panic attacks. It’s a pretty vicious cycle. I’ve had problems with anxiety since high school, but I had kept it under pretty good control since having Briana. Luckily (or perhaps because of sheer determination on my part) I have not yet had a panic attack while caring for Bri. It’s always been after she is asleep and it’s time to start settling down for the night.
David helps me through my panic attacks when I truly can’t get them under control myself (like this morning – Thursday morning – when from about 1 in the morning until about 5 I was practically hyperventilating…I finally had to wake him up to just break my panic cycle and help me talk myself down.)
If he hadn’t have come home sick from work again today, I would have been trying to care for Briana on 2 hours of sleep. And, as it is, David should have been resting, not taking care of Briana, so that made me feel even more guilty.
I am hoping that once I get insurance again (which should be sometime after August 24th), I can get in and talk to a doctor about my anxiety, but until then, I am really on my own. Have any of you ever struggled with anxiety and insomnia that stems from anxiety? Do you have any suggestions on how to calm myself down on my own?
I am forcing myself to get off of the computer and go lay down after I am finished with this blog, but I feel wide awake, and I’m already feeling stressed that I won’t get any sleep. Even though I know that I am working myself up, I can’t seem to stop myself from letting the anxiety take over just before bedtime. It’s very frustrating, all the more so because I know how ridiculous it is.
I am hoping that I can get past whatever is causing me to be so anxious again quickly, so that I can start getting some restful sleep (as much restful sleep as can be managed with a teething, clingy eight month old) and keeping my eyes open during playtime. Either that, or I just need to get an IV drip of caffeine.
One Tired Mommy