Struggling to sleep…and to stay awake.

Published July 19, 2013 by jessicalynndunning

My sleep schedule is totally turned around right now. At night, I can’t sleep. And during the day, I am struggling to remain awake enough to care properly for my daughter.

Don’t panic or report me to the authorities just yet, hear me out first!

I get up with her in the morning and feed her and change her, and usually sit on the floor with her and play with her. But lately I’ve been sitting on the floor to play and waking up with her crawling all over me, pulling my hair, banging on my face. Now, we have the living room baby proofed, and blocked off so she can’t get out and explore the rest of the apartment, since we are still trying to get everything unpacked and put away, and I feel that the rest of the apartment isn’t truly safe for exploration yet. But I still feel guilty every time I wake up to find she has been effectively left to her own devices while mommy snoozed on the floor.

I have been having panic attacks at night, which makes me anxious that I’ll have more, which gets my adrenaline pumping, which in turn keeps me awake and causes me to panic about not getting sleep, which in turn leads to more panic attacks. It’s a pretty vicious cycle. I’ve had problems with anxiety since high school, but I had kept it under pretty good control since having Briana. Luckily (or perhaps because of sheer determination on my part) I have not yet had a panic attack while caring for Bri. It’s always been after she is asleep and it’s time to start settling down for the night.

David helps me through my panic attacks when I truly can’t get them under control myself (like this morning – Thursday morning – when from about 1 in the morning until about 5 I was practically hyperventilating…I finally had to wake him up to just break my panic cycle and help me talk myself down.)

If he hadn’t have come home sick from work again today, I would have been trying to care for Briana on 2 hours of sleep. And, as it is, David should have been resting, not taking care of Briana, so that made me feel even more guilty.

I am hoping that once I get insurance again (which should be sometime after August 24th), I can get in and talk to a doctor about my anxiety, but until then, I am really on my own. Have any of you ever struggled with anxiety and insomnia that stems from anxiety? Do you have any suggestions on how to calm myself down on my own?

I am forcing myself to get off of the computer and go lay down after I am finished with this blog, but I feel wide awake, and I’m already feeling stressed that I won’t get any sleep. Even though I know that I am working myself up, I can’t seem to stop myself from letting the anxiety take over just before bedtime. It’s very frustrating, all the more so because I know how ridiculous it is.

I am hoping that I can get past whatever is causing me to be so anxious again quickly, so that I can start getting some restful sleep (as much restful sleep as can be managed with a teething, clingy eight month old) and keeping my eyes open during playtime. Either that, or I just need to get an IV drip of caffeine.

One Tired Mommy


4 comments on “Struggling to sleep…and to stay awake.

  • Can David give you a massage? It sounds like you are super-duper stressed, and finding ways to allow you to relax, might be just the thing.
    Also, since you have recently returned to work, and you aren’t happy about leaving Bri with someone else – that could be the reason for the panic. Take a deep breath, and read stories about kids who did really well when Mommy left.
    And if you need, me, I’m here….
    Maybe you can set a bedtime, and until you fall asleep, you can snuggle/David can give you a massage? So that you don’t really think about your fears, and can fall asleep?

    • Those are all good ideas. My aunt also suggested cutting caffeine from my diet and seeing if that helps. I think I will give a lot of these suggestions a whirl…especially the massage one. I like that! Last night was a little better than the nights before, because David held me until I fell asleep. Since I felt safe, I was able to relax and feel sleepy, and fell asleep fairly easily. And then apparently slept very deeply…Briana woke up and David said (for the first time EVER) I didn’t even stir. (Luckily, it was his turn anyway!)

      • Cutting caffeine may help a lot. I don’t remember – did you give up nursing entirely? Because if not, and you are drinking caffeine, it might pass into the milk. I just avoided caffeine until I stopped nursing – it wasn’t worth a cranky baby.

        That’s great that he was able to help you fall asleep! 🙂 Maybe you can try that every night. (Honestly, though, I’m not surprised. :D)
        I hope you’re getting more sleep these past few days, as a whole, and are starting to feel better.

  • Leave a Reply

    Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

    You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

    Google+ photo

    You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

    Twitter picture

    You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

    Facebook photo

    You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


    Connecting to %s

    %d bloggers like this: