The Ongoing Tornado That is My Life

Published September 22, 2013 by jessicalynndunning

I was looking around our somewhat tiny apartment last night, thinking about our previous apartment with it’s beautiful open floor plan, high ceilings, spacious kitchen, utility room, and third bedroom. Moving out of our old apartment complex and into this one was incredibly hard. I had dreamed of living in a place that nice for a very long time. Not that our current place is unpalatable or anything…if I had never lived in Wildreed Apartments, I wouldn’t think there was anything wrong with our current apartment at all. But I did live there, and this apartment feels like a definite step down. That being said, it’s still our apartment with our rules, our belongings, and our space. And now we have to let this apartment go as well.

David has been on medical leave since July. I’ve been trying not to really get into it, because it’s not really something I’m prepared to share details about, but I can no longer keep it off of my blog, because it’s really affecting our lives in a major way. Since he is unable to work for the foreseeable future, and we have run through all of his vacation pay and have yet to see a cent from his short term disability pay, and I make much less money than he does and only work 30 hours a week…we’re worse than broke. We’re in the hole.

(And let me head off all of the “well then why did you go to Disney World” questions with a couple of statements: a) we finished paying for that long before David went on leave and the food and hotel and transportation are all included in what we paid for, so we literally spent less than 100 dollars the entire week we were there, b) the doctor said she thought it would be a good thing for David to take this trip, and c) I looked into canceling the trip, and we would have lost so much money by the time we knew we were in a bind that it wouldn’t have made a difference…the plane tickets were non-refundable, and that was 1000 dollars I wasn’t willing to lose, add in the penalties for canceling so close to the trip and I just felt it wasn’t worth it. Oh, and let’s not forget that even if we hadn’t gone on the trip, and gotten what little money back that we could, it wouldn’t make a difference: we’d still be losing the apartment.)

We are moving in with my in-laws.

I love my husbands family, and I love that they love us enough to help us out right now when we really have no other options. I’m extremely grateful. And incredibly depressed. We lived with my in-laws before when we were just starting out, and I learned something about myself that I hadn’t ever really realized before: I’m an incredibly independent person who bristles at depending on someone other than my husband and myself for food and shelter. I’m sure that I’m not alone in that.

Even setting that aside, moving back in with them, even temporarily, feels like such a step back in our life journey. I hate that we have a child and we’re having to move back in with my husbands folks. It feels like we’re failing our daughter in such a fundamental necessity: provide her with shelter. We won’t be providing the shelter anymore. And while in the long run, who provides the shelter isn’t anywhere near as important as the fact that she HAS shelter, doesn’t make it feel any better.

This is supposed to be extremely temporary: ideally 6 months, and no longer than 8 months…TOPS. Just long enough for David to get back on his feet and back to work, and then we’ll find our own place again, sans roommate this time, and actually, for the first time since six months into our marriage, have a place that is just ours – just my husband, myself, and my daughter.

I’m feeling wary about moving back in there for other reasons, too. I’m worried there will be clashes about parenting stuff. I’m incredibly insecure, in a lot of areas of my life, but one thing I stand firm on is what I want for Briana, and what I don’t want. Moving in with her grandparents is going to be hard, because I’m worried there will be disagreements, and I don’t want it to turn into a battle or anything. Before, it was just me and David. I’m not sure how adding Briana in is going to change the dynamic of us living there, or if it will at all. I’m a worrier…so even though I know I shouldn’t create trouble where there might be none at all, I’m worried anyway!

Anyway. I’m trying to look at this as an opportunity to not only catch up, but to pay off some of our credit card debt and get our finances in a better place so that we can start saving for a house. We had already decided that this is what we wanted to do before I finally admitted to myself we couldn’t hold onto the apartment any longer. So I’m trying to view it as a stepping stone to being debt free, rather than viewing it as a step back in time. Trying being the keyword there: I haven’t fully convinced myself yet.

Sorry for the long rant. I’ll write a Briana Update Blog soon, I promise.

Defeated Mommy

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2 comments on “The Ongoing Tornado That is My Life

  • I have never lived with my in-laws but my husband, kids, and I have lived with my parents. I understand what you are going through and I totally identify with your fears. If your husband has a good relationship with his folks, you will do fine but in any case, you shouldn’t feel self-conscious about how you raise your daughter. And you are most definitely NOT failing your daughter with this move.
    I think it is wonderful how your in-laws have opened up their home. What a blessing to have them. Make the most of this time with them especially the time your daughter has with them.
    I hope all will goes well with the move.

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