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All posts for the month October, 2013

Missy Bri Bee has Personality

Published October 22, 2013 by jessicalynndunning

The last couple weeks have been difficult for me. I withdrew emotionally from everyone around me in an effort to hide how deeply I was affected by my grief over the miscarriage. This included Briana. I had a really tough time holding her for a week or so after the miscarriage, because every time I picked her up to cuddle with her, I’d end up crying/sobbing/weeping. I was grumpy at work and grumpy with my husband and just feeling generally angry at everyone and everything.

In the last couple of days, I’ve started to feel better. I realized I missed Briana, and spent most of Sunday and yesterday morning cuddling with her and playing with her and just being a mommy to her. I think she missed me, too, because she let me cuddle with her for quite a bit longer than she does on a normal day. That little girl is usually way too busy exploring everything to want to spend time cuddling. In fact, today, we cuddled a bit, too, but she wanted to play today, and also napped quite a bit.

It feels good to be “back” even though I never really went anywhere. I’m still sad, but I’ve got the sadness under control, and I feel back to my normal self…as normal as I ever am anyway. 🙂

Briana has been cracking me up. She’s getting quite forceful about what she wants and when she wants it, and David and I have been working hard to curb the “attitude” as much as we can. I jokingly told her the other day she has to wait until she’s at least two to start throwing temper tantrums. She laughed like she actually understood what I said and thought that was the funniest thing she had ever heard. Oy. I’m in trouble.

She’s so close to walking. I know I’ve been saying that for a couple of months now, but we’ve been holding our breaths every time she stands without holding onto something. She’ll do it and act like she’s going to take a step, and then she just sits down and we all start breathing again. I so hope that I am home the first time she takes a step. It will break my heart if I miss it.

She has a third tooth now! Her upper left front tooth has come in. We figured out it had come in when she started clicking her teeth together…almost grinding them. It’s the weirdest sound, and I wish she would stop doing it. I don’t know how to get her to stop though, so…oh well? I can’t wait until we can really see it when she smiles. Right now it’s too tiny. I can only really see it when I’m brushing her teeth.

Briana is completely refusing to eat baby food anymore. She starts fussing and crying if you try to feed it to her. She has this attitude that clearly says “I CAN DO IT MYSELF!” The only exception is her yogurt. She’ll still let me feed that to her, because she can’t eat it with her hands. And with some fruit that she has a hard time picking up because it’s slick, she’ll let me put the pieces in her mouth. But she is so over the purees, thank you very much.

She likes to share her food with us, too, but only if SHE hands it to us. God forbid you reach down and take something off of her tray. She glares and slaps your hand. No joke. She is possessive about her food! But if she reaches up to put it in your mouth, it’s fine, and hilarious. She always smiles and laughs when we let her do it.

One mealtime battle we’ve been fighting is trying to prevent her from throwing food over the side of her high chair for the dog. And keeping her from throwing her sippy cup over the side. She’s nearly brained the poor dog a couple of times, because Faith’ll be sitting there expectantly waiting for food to fall from the sky, and a sippy cup comes flying at her instead. Briana understands that she isn’t supposed to do this. I’ve caught her doing it when my back is turned, and if I turn around and catch her, she smiles at me and puts the food back on her tray.

No one warned me keeping a straight face was so freakin’ hard when you’re trying to be stern with your nearly one year old daughter! And who teaches these babies how to perfect their “I’m so innocent and cute” looks at such a young age?!

And then I feel like such a jerk when I get stern and her face gets all sad and she fusses. She’s got me wrapped around her little finger, but I’m being consistent anyway. I know that’s the most important thing!

I’ve been really concerned about the whole discipline thing. I mean, obviously discipline hasn’t really been an issue as of yet, and right now it’s pretty simple. But once she gets older, it’ll be harder. I guess I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing until it stops working?

Anyway, I’m learning new things every day, just like she is.

We’re going to take her to the pumpkin farm on Thursday. I am super excited, because she wasn’t born until after Halloween last year, so this is the last First Holiday she will experience. She was still a newborn for Thanksgiving and Christmas and such last year, but she DID experience them (well, slept through them anyway), so Halloween is the last big one left! Of course, Thanksgiving and Christmas will probably be more fun this year since she’ll be awake and interested in what is happening. 🙂

I’ll be sure to come back and post pictures.

Briana’s birthday is two weeks from today, and her birthday party is on the 9th. It’s going to be Baby Minnie Mouse themed, and we’ve already purchased (and or been given) nearly everything we need for the party. I’m so excited! I’ll post lots of pictures of the party and decorations!

Don’t forget to go like my Facebook page so you can stay updated on the day-to-day stuff with Bri!

https://www.facebook.com/MommyhoodInMotion

Hope to see lots of new faces over there! Also, don’t forget to follow my new blog! As of November 5th, MisAdventures of a New Mom will be moving over to Mommyhood in Motion at http://mommyhoodinmotion.wordpress.com/ and I’m hoping all of you follow me over there!

Improving as a New Mom

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Loss

Published October 17, 2013 by jessicalynndunning

I’ve been trying hard to resist writing about this, because I’ve been trying not to think about it. Thinking about it hurts, and it’s easier to not think about it and feel angry at everyone and everything than it is to admit that I am hurting.

On Saturday, October 5th, I took a pregnancy test and found out that I was pregnant. I was blown away…I have been on birth control since six weeks postpartum. I have an alarm set on my phone. I took my pill at the exact same time every single day. But I was pregnant, and terrible timing be damned, I was happy. I made an appointment with my OB on Monday and figured out that my due date would have been June 8th…right in between David’s birthday on the 1st and mine on the 10th. I told Bri in whispers that she was going to be a big sister. (I thank GOD that she was too little to know what that meant…)

But on Thursday the 10th, my happiness turned to worry when I started bleeding. It scared me. I spotted during my pregnancy with Bri, but this didn’t seem normal, and when I called the nurse at my OBs office, she wasn’t very reassuring. Oh, sure, she gave me a rote spiel about how people bleed during pregnancy all the time and it could be nothing…and then spent ten minutes explaining in depth what to expect if I was having a miscarriage.

My mind kind of went numb and I listened to her without really hearing what she was saying. She wanted me to go get a blood test so they could check my hormone levels. She said that depending on the results of that test they may need another blood test in 48 hours. They also told me not to have sex. Um, hello?! Furthest thing from my mind.

I called into work. I was panicked and scared and knew I wouldn’t be able to focus. I got the blood test done and tried to stay positive, but I was still bleeding and I was getting very crampy, and in my heart I knew I was losing the baby before I ever really had a chance to wrap my head around the fact that we were having another child.

The test results were give to me by a different nurse the next day. My hormone levels were extremely low. Much lower than they would be at this point if the pregnancy was viable. “The doctor believes you are having an extremely early miscarriage.” Even knowing beforehand, hearing the words come out of her mouth broke my heart.

She repeated everything the other nurse said about what to expect. She asked if I had any questions. She made a follow up appointment with my OB for me and canceled the other appointments I had made in my initial excitement.

I hung up the phone and sobbed. I felt like my body had betrayed me, that I had betrayed this baby by not providing it with a good enough place to grow and thrive. People have told me I am wrong, that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, that there was probably something seriously wrong and Mother Nature knew it. I’ve had people tell me it’s better this way.

Knowing all of that doesn’t take away the hurt. How is it possible to get so attached to something so quickly? I knew I was pregnant for less than a week, but it doesn’t matter. I never felt the baby move, my belly hadn’t grown bigger, I will never see a picture from an ultrasound or hear the baby’s heartbeat. It doesn’t matter. I’m still devastated.

I can’t decide if it’s better or worse that I had none of those things yet. On the one hand, I had less time to get attached, so even though I am sad and devastated and heartbroken, I know it would have been worse later. But on the other hand, I have absolutely nothing. Nothing to put in a frame, nothing to put in my journal. I don’t have anything concrete to look at.

I don’t even know if it would have been a boy or a girl.

But I have an angel baby.

I had to go to work Friday, still bleeding and cramping and miserable and sad. I was angry that I had to go to work and angry that everyone kept asking me why I was there (because my manager asked me if I would come in anyway and then, disregarding my answer of yes, marked me as being absent, so everyone wanted to know what was happening), angry that I had let myself get so happy so soon and angry at the world just for existing.

Anger got me through my shift. And it was so much easier to be angry than to be sad. But now I am still angry and it’s not helping me not be sad. It’s just pointless anger aimed at nothing in particular. I keep lashing out at my husband, which isn’t fair or right. (And is particularly horrible since he could really use my support right now with everything he is going through.)

I guess I need support too though. I want to feel taken care of. I’m really tired. Not just from lack of sleep, but just from this heavy load I’ve been carrying around since…as long as I can remember. I have always felt like I needed to take care of everyone and be there for everyone else. So here I am, carrying everyone’s problems in my heart, and not dealing with my own.

Ugh. This blog is getting long and melodramatic. Know I am not being this way on purpose. I just feel overwhelmed. I’m just writing what comes to mind because if I don’t I feel like my head will explode.

Bottom line: I thought Bri was going to be a big sister and now she isn’t. At least not yet. I’m sad and dealing with that poorly. My plate is very full. Life is hard. I’ll get over it eventually.

Still a Mom to One

Feeling Nostalgic

Published October 9, 2013 by jessicalynndunning

My little baby girl is growing up so fast. I was standing at work today, and I remembered this time last year, when I was so close to my due date. I was so certain I would have her early, even though everyone kept telling me that she would be late because she was my first. I had hit that point midway through October when I was just DONE being pregnant, and I couldn’t wait to have her in my arms instead of kicking me in the ribs. Everyone kept telling me to cherish every moment she was still inside my body, protected from the world, nourished and warm and safe, but all I wanted was to meet her and see her eyes and toes and fingers, to kiss her head and hold her close and tell her that I loved her more than anything in the whole world.

I got all teary eyed at work.

I miss having her with me everywhere I go. I mean, I used to take her to work with me every day, right? It doesn’t matter that she was in my uterus, does it? 🙂

And then she was born, and I was just in awe of this cute little pink creature with her wide blue eyes staring around at the world. But the world suddenly seemed like a scary place to me…germs and sharp edges and choke-sized objects, and chemical cleaners that could be accidentally ingested. I suddenly understood what everyone had been saying before.

Anyway. I know I’ll have that feeling again next time we have a baby, and this time I’ll take the time to cherish it the way that I should have up until the very last day of my pregnancy with Briana.

Speaking of Briana…

 

My little girl has PERSONALITY. And sometimes ATTITUDE.

I reached out to take a piece of her chicken to nibble on during her lunch today, and she smacked my hand and glared at me. No joke. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. And yesterday, she was playing with something and I tried to take it away, and she lay down on her back, wrapped her hands and feet around it (a bottle of lotion) and yelled when I tried to take it. It’s so funny how she goes from so sweet and laughing one second to super tired and grumpy and attitude filled the next. I thought mood swings were for teenagers? 🙂

Anyway, for the most part she is still my sweet little smiley child, but there are just a couple of moments every day where I get a glimpse of her daddy’s stubborn streak and my determination all mixed into one, and only one thought crosses my mind: “Uh oh.” Or sometimes “We’re in for it…”

 

We’re finally getting her settled back into a semi-regular routine now at grandma and grandpa’s house, excepting the fact that she is still waking up in the middle of the night sometimes. She now has a semi-regular wake time, nap time, feeding time, play time schedule. It’s easier to stick to it here for some reason.

Her aunt Sarah bought her one of those Playskool Elephant things that blows multi-colored balls out of its trunk and catches them in its ears so that it can blow them out again. (I tried to post a picture but had trouble. Here’s a link to Wal-Marts website… http://www.walmart.com/ip/16829720?wmlspartner=wlpa&selectedSellerId=3&adid=22222222227009551124&wl0=&wl1=g&wl2=c&wl3=13955890630&wl4=&wl5=pla&wl6=34874126350&veh=sem )

Bri has been having SO much fun with that thing. She’s figured out how to turn it on by herself, and she loves watching it and picking up the balls that fall on the ground and putting them back in the ears…I’ll admit that mom has been having fun playing with it too…Errr….playing with Briana while SHE plays with it. Sure, that’s what I mean. 😀

 

Anyway. I meant to do this long in-depth blog about Briana, but I’m falling asleep at my keyboard! Some day I’ll have more energy or remember to blog BEFORE work. I’ll try again later this week.

Love from a Tired New Mommy

Don’t forget!

Published October 6, 2013 by jessicalynndunning

In less than a month, I’ll be moving over to my new blog, Mommyhood in Motion. (Which means, *sniffle* my daughter will be one year old in less than one month!)

Here’s the link…PLEASE go follow my new blog so you don’t miss out. New and exciting things are coming! 🙂 I’m going to try to add a recipe page, and a page with links for resources and such for moms and dads. It’s gonna be big…or at least, that’s the goal!

http://mommyhoodinmotion.wordpress.com/

I am feeling a little lost…I cannot believe that this brilliant little girl has been a part of our lives for nearly a full year. It certainly went by quickly!

I will try to update more about Bri soon, but I can’t promise, because we still aren’t all moved in!

Mid-Move Blog Post

Published October 3, 2013 by jessicalynndunning

You know, when I was a kid, I liked moving. I liked packing up all my stuff in boxes labeled “books” or “toys” or “journals.” Of course, when I was a kid, my room was the only room that I was responsible for packing. It’s much less fun when you are expected to pack up everything in the apartment. It doesn’t help that we have moved…7 times in the last 6 years. Seriously! This is the SEVENTH time we’ve moved! Ugh. When we get our own place in the next 8 months or so, I am going to make sure we get a place that we can stay for a least three or four years. I am so sick of moving!

We haven’t really been able to settle in yet. There was a miscommunication about when we would be moving in…I said “We’ll start moving in on the first, and I want to be done by the fifth.” My in-laws heard “We’ll move in on the fifth.” So they didn’t really have anything ready in our room when we started bringing stuff over. So right now we’re sort of stuck waiting until they have time to put the new shelves out in the garage and get things organized. It’s a little bit of a bummer because I had yesterday and today off work and was hoping to get the bulk of the move done this week. Hopefully by my days off next week, they’ll be all set,and we can get down to it and get it done.

Briana is handling the whole thing like a champ. I don’t think she really gets what is going on, but we’ve managed not to disrupt her routine, so she’s perfectly happy. She’s loving all the extra space to move and crawl and explore…she finds about ten new things a day that we don’t want her getting into…we need to baby proof everything.

My sister-in-law and I took her with us when we took the dog for a walk today. Briana sat up on my shoulders, all bundled up against the fall chill and looking absolutely adorable!

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It wasn’t a very long walk, but that’s okay. Bri loves to be outside anyway.

I can’t believe that she will be 11 months old in just two days! And then she’s just one month away from her first birthday! My goodness! Where has the time gone?

I’ll try to do a more complete update about Bri on the 5th. Right now it’s dinner time for me…I haven’t eaten much today, Bri has kept me busy!

Busy New Mama

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