Go check out my new blog!
Go check out my new blog!
Thank you all so much for joining me on my MisAdventures this past year as I figured out how to be a mom without losing my mind, and thank you for supporting me through some rough patches and not running away when I went on rambling rants that didn’t make a whole lot of sense to anyone but me.
I cannot believe that my beautiful daughter is one year old already. It really doesn’t seem like she’s been around for a full year…but at the same time it’s hard to remember what life was like without her, now that my whole world revolves around her. We didn’t do much today to celebrate other than telling her all day “happy birthday” and me crying frequently as I went through practically the whole year of pictures and reminded her frequently that I love her. I rocked her through her entire afternoon nap, both because I know the rocking days are going to end more quickly than I ever thought possible, and because I wanted to be holding her at the exact moment that she had been born a year ago. I’m silly, I know, but I wanted her in my arms, just like she had been a year ago when she was born. I laughed softly to myself at her long legs hanging off of my lap…She certainly has grown in just one year!
We did go out to dinner with my dad to celebrate. My in-laws were supposed to join us, but unfortunately, my mother-in-law had another migraine and wasn’t feeling up to it.
I hope all of you will follow me to my new blog space over at http://mommyhoodinmotion.wordpress.com/, and that you’ll come give my Facebook page a like at https://www.facebook.com/MommyhoodInMotion. I try to post several times a day on my Facebook page, so even when I miss a couple of weeks with my blog, you can keep up with my cute little kiddo and all her funny moments over there on FB.
If you want to see pictures of Briana’s big day (her birthday party on Saturday) you’ll have to go to the new blog, since this one is now defunct! I’ll post reminders a few times over the next few weeks to go to the new blog, so you don’t miss anything. 🙂
Thank you again for following along. It’s been fun sharing my MisAdventures with you!
No Longer a New Mommy, but always Briana’s Mommy,
P.S. I couldn’t include all of them, but here a few pictures from Briana’s first year of life. Starting with the day she left the hospital, and ending with dinner tonight. 🙂
It seems like it was just a few days ago that the doctor placed you in my arms, tiny and pink, and crying the most beautiful sound I had ever heard in my life. When my arms felt your weight, the world around me dropped away, and all I could do was look into your gorgeous blue eyes and tell you “You’re so beautiful. I’m your mommy. I’ve waited so long to meet you!” There were nurses and doctors bustling around, but I don’t remember what they were saying. I don’t even remember what your daddy said. All I remember is you. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. They put you inside my hospital gown so you could have skin-to-skin time with me and I could keep you warm and close and bond with you. I didn’t ever want to let you go.
Of course, I had to, eventually. They took you over with your daddy across the room to get weighed and measured. You were 7 pounds 8 ounces and 20.5 inches of perfection. They cleaned you up and put a diaper and a shirt on you, put a hat on your head, and finally let your daddy hold you. Don’t ever let him tell you any different: you had him wrapped around your finger from the moment he first laid eyes on you. He held you for a while, and then I wanted you back in my arms. We all sat together on the bed, taking each other in.
People came to see you. Grandma and Poppy, Grandpa and Great Grandma, Grammy, Auntie Sarah, and Uncle Tom and Aunt Julie, and even your cousin, Truman. They all wanted a glimpse of you, they all wanted to hold you, and they were all so incredibly happy to meet you. I’d had a long day, though, so they all went home after a while so that we could rest and get to know one another.
That first night in the hospital though, I couldn’t sleep. I kept sitting up to check on you in your little hospital bassinet, wanting to make sure you were swaddled in your blanket, that you were comfortable, that you were safe. You slept perfectly. You only woke up once, wanting a fresh diaper and to eat. Daddy slept through it on his “daddy bed” by the window.
We didn’t get to take you home until the next night, pretty late. Your daddy and I got you dressed together in your cute little going home outfit that I had chosen for you weeks before you were born. You were not happy about getting dressed. You screamed and cried and fussed. You would have been perfectly happy and content to go home in your hospital shirt, but it was too cold outside for that!
We gathered up all of our bags and the flowers and cards people had sent for you. We gathered up your baby book and your footprints,and all of the paperwork. And then we very carefully strapped you into your car seat so that we could take you home. Grandma helped us get everything into the van, but I wouldn’t let anyone touch your car seat. I wanted to put you in the car myself so that I knew you would be safe.
Daddy drove very carefully on the way home. We had you in the car, and you’re precious cargo! You slept the whole way home.
When we made it to the apartment, your first home, daddy and I told you “Briana, look, we’re home! This is where you’re going to live!” But you didn’t open your eyes. We think you were resting up so you could look properly when it was light outside.
Daddy changed your diaper, and then I fed you, sitting in the rocking chair in your bedroom. You didn’t eat for very long. You were more interested in sleeping. Daddy and I swaddled you up in your hospital blanket, and very carefully put you in your bassinet by my side of the bed. All of this was at about midnight, and you slept straight through the night. I only woke up every twenty minutes or so to check on you, too, so I got a bit more sleep than at the hospital.
And now, you’re a whole year old! That’s a whole year of you growing and learning and changing every day! And you may not understand this story now, but I think in a couple of years you will. I hope you enjoy it. It’s the story of our first day together. It’s the best day of my life.
Note: I’m going to either do a book with photos of all of these things and make it a storybook that way, or I’m going to have David draw the pictures that go with it and turn it into a book for her. I’ll probably simplify some of it a little more, but the essence will remain the same. I am also going to print all the blogs that are Briana related (so, not the ones where I’m complaining about being depressed, lol) and have them bound. I’ll give them to her when she’s older. I hope to do this with all of my kids, but life gets crazy, so who knows what will happen?
Be forewarned: This blog has nothing to do with Bri and everything to do with me and feeling overwhelmed by life. Feel free to skip it.
Let me just start by saying, today my nephew had his second heart surgery, and he came through it like the little Champion he is! I’m so happy that his second surgery went well, and hope to be able to hold him again soon. Team Toby all the way! Again, my brother and sister-in-law are handling this a lot better than I think I ever could…I’m having a hard enough time handling it, and I’m the Auntie, not the Mommy or the Daddy. I cried on the way to the hospital today and cried on the way home…Toby may only be four months old, but he’s captured a lot of people’s hearts, and he’s got Auntie Jessie wrapped around his little finger. If my stress and anxiety for him are this high, I imagine if I multiplied it by a million, I may be 50% closer to what Toby’s mom and dad must be feeling. Prayers and love to all of them, and to Toby’s brother and sister as well. 🙂
Now, don’t think poorly of me when I go on to talk about other stresses in my life right now. I’m not complaining so much as unloading. And I’m unloading via my blog instead of talking to someone about it because every time I start talking about it, I end up either bawling my eyes out or shutting my emotions down completely, and neither one is helping me feel better about anything or leach all these bad things out of my system so I can start to feel like I’m not drowning anymore.
This miscarriage thing is hard. Really hard. And I keep trying to act like everything is getting better, but it’s not. I keep having nightmares about it, and dreaming about a newborn baby crying that I can’t find. It cries and cries, and I look and look, and I can’t find it. I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl or if it’s mine or if it belongs to someone else…all I know is that the baby needs someone to find it, and I can’t, I keep failing. I wake up feeling more exhausted than when I went to sleep, and my heart is heavy. It doesn’t make sense for it to hurt so much. How can I miss something I never had?
I wanted to get counseling, but my insurance (OH, MY INSURANCE….more on that in a minute) has me listed as having a preexisting condition” because of me seeking counseling before, so I am not eligible for any treatment for depression until March. “Oh, you were depressed before…you’ll have to wait 6 months to get treated for that. Good luck in the meantime!” Thanks, guys.
In other crappy news, I got my insurance card in August and was told my insurance would be effective in September. Then, just after I went to the doctor for the blood test to find out if I was indeed having a miscarriage (they wanted to check my hormone levels), I get a letter stating that I am no longer eligible for insurance as of September. It said something about Cobra, and I thought it was a letter saying I wasn’t qualified for Cobra anymore because of becoming eligible for insurance through my job, so I set it aside and forgot about it. (It was a very confusing letter, but I thought I had it deciphered…) Turns out, I was wrong, because I got a statement from the insurance company today stating that I owed my doctor 76 dollars for the blood work, because I wasn’t covered at the time of services.
What the flipping heck?!
And in keeping with the twisted sense of humor that the universe seems to employ at times like these, I got the letter on a Friday and thus can’t call and yell at anyone until Monday. By which time my fiery indignation will have turned to polite worry, and I’ll probably be given ten different phone numbers to call and not get anything accomplished.
I’m most worried about Briana’s insurance, because she’s on Molina right now and Molina’s contract with her pediatrician is ending starting in January. We LOVE Dr. Stephens and don’t want to lose him as her provider. I wasn’t worried about it before because he’s on the Blue Cross network. Now, I have to scramble around like a crazy person to get her insurance switched if this insurance thing with my work doesn’t get straightened out. Thanks for the added stress, work. I really needed this right now.
We got our final bill for the apartment since we broke our lease, and lets just say I hope someone rents it soon, because if not my credit history is SCREWED. I could buy a used car for the amount they’re saying we’ll have to pay if no one rents it until May when our lease would have been up.
David is still sick and still not working and, I’ll be honest, that’s THE SINGLE MOST STRESSFUL thing going on in my life right now. This financial situation that we’re in, to put it succinctly, sucks, and our hole keeps getting deeper instead of getting smaller. If David went back to work, my life would feel so much more manageable right now, and I can’t help feeling a little resentful toward him about that. And I feel like a terrible wife for saying that, because he’s sick and needs my support and needs to be able to lean on me right now. God knows I’ve leaned on him in the past. But the problem with him leaning on me right now is that I feel about as strong as a blade of grass that’s brown and dying of thirst. Between the miscarriage and stress over money and my depression and feeling like a novice juggler trying to keep 100 balls in the air at once…I’m spent, physically and emotionally.
I no longer feel as if my head is going to explode…I still feel like I’m drowning, and I still feel sad and anxious and depressed and angry. But at least I won’t explode.
For those of you who read through this entire whiny melodramatic blog, I apologize sincerely. I’ll try to be better from now on. Just keep swimming, eh? I also promise a Bri Blog soon…one of the last ones for the MisAdventures blog!
An Overwhelmed Mommy