anxiety

All posts tagged anxiety

Lot’s On Mommy’s Plate

Published November 1, 2013 by jessicalynndunning

Be forewarned: This blog has nothing to do with Bri and everything to do with me and feeling overwhelmed by life. Feel free to skip it.

 

Let me just start by saying, today my nephew had his second heart surgery, and he came through it like the little Champion he is! I’m so happy that his second surgery went well, and hope to be able to hold him again soon. Team Toby all the way! Again, my brother and sister-in-law are handling this a lot better than I think I ever could…I’m having a hard enough time handling it, and I’m the Auntie, not the Mommy or the Daddy. I cried on the way to the hospital today and cried on the way home…Toby may only be four months old, but he’s captured a lot of people’s hearts, and he’s got Auntie Jessie wrapped around his little finger. If my stress and anxiety for him are this high, I imagine if I multiplied it by a million, I may be 50% closer to what Toby’s mom and dad must be feeling. Prayers and love to all of them, and to Toby’s brother and sister as well. 🙂

Now, don’t think poorly of me when I go on to talk about other stresses in my life right now. I’m not complaining so much as unloading. And I’m unloading via my blog instead of talking to someone about it because every time I start talking about it, I end up either bawling my eyes out or shutting my emotions down completely, and neither one is helping me feel better about anything or leach all these bad things out of my system so I can start to feel like I’m not drowning anymore.

This miscarriage thing is hard. Really hard. And I keep trying to act like everything is getting better, but it’s not. I keep having nightmares about it, and dreaming about a newborn baby crying that I can’t find. It cries and cries, and I look and look, and I can’t find it. I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl or if it’s mine or if it belongs to someone else…all I know is that the baby needs someone to find it, and I can’t, I keep failing. I wake up feeling more exhausted than when I went to sleep, and my heart is heavy. It doesn’t make sense for it to hurt so much. How can I miss something I never had?

I wanted to get counseling, but my insurance (OH, MY INSURANCE….more on that in a minute) has me listed as having a preexisting condition” because of me seeking counseling before, so I am not eligible for any treatment for depression until March. “Oh, you were depressed before…you’ll have to wait 6 months to get treated for that. Good luck in the meantime!” Thanks, guys.

In other crappy news, I got my insurance card in August and was told my insurance would be effective in September. Then, just after I went to the doctor for the blood test to find out if I was indeed having a miscarriage (they wanted to check my  hormone levels), I get a letter stating that I am no longer eligible for insurance as of September. It said something about Cobra, and I thought it was a letter saying I wasn’t qualified for Cobra anymore because of becoming eligible for insurance through my job, so I set it aside and forgot about it. (It was a very confusing letter, but I thought I had it deciphered…) Turns out, I was wrong, because I got a statement from the insurance company today stating that I owed my doctor 76 dollars for the blood work, because I wasn’t covered at the time of services.

What the flipping heck?!

And in keeping with the twisted sense of humor that the universe seems to employ at times like these, I got the letter on a Friday and thus can’t call and yell at anyone until Monday. By which time my fiery indignation will have turned to polite worry, and I’ll probably be given ten different phone numbers to call and not get anything accomplished.

I’m most worried about Briana’s insurance, because she’s on Molina right now and Molina’s contract with her pediatrician is ending starting in January. We LOVE Dr. Stephens and don’t want to lose him as her provider. I wasn’t worried about it before because he’s on the Blue Cross network. Now, I have to scramble around like a crazy person to get her insurance switched if this insurance thing with my work doesn’t get straightened out. Thanks for the added stress, work. I really needed this right now.

We got our final bill for the apartment since we broke our lease, and lets just say I hope someone rents it soon, because if not my credit history is SCREWED. I could buy a used car for the amount they’re saying we’ll have to pay if no one rents it until May when our lease would have been up.

David is still sick and still not working and, I’ll be honest, that’s THE SINGLE MOST STRESSFUL thing going on in my life right now. This financial situation that we’re in, to put it succinctly, sucks, and our hole keeps getting deeper instead of getting smaller. If David went back to work, my life would feel so much more manageable right now, and I can’t help feeling a little resentful toward him about that. And I feel like a terrible wife for saying that, because he’s sick and needs my support and needs to be able to lean on me right now. God knows I’ve leaned on him in the past. But the problem with him leaning on me right now is that I feel about as strong as a blade of grass that’s brown and dying of thirst. Between the miscarriage and stress over money and my depression and feeling like a novice juggler trying to keep 100 balls in the air at once…I’m spent, physically and emotionally.

I no longer feel as if my head is going to explode…I still feel like I’m drowning, and I still feel sad and anxious and depressed and angry. But at least I won’t explode.

 

For those of you who read through this entire whiny melodramatic blog, I apologize sincerely. I’ll try to be better from now on. Just keep swimming, eh? I also promise a Bri Blog soon…one of the last ones for the MisAdventures blog!

An Overwhelmed Mommy

 

Struggling to sleep…and to stay awake.

Published July 19, 2013 by jessicalynndunning

My sleep schedule is totally turned around right now. At night, I can’t sleep. And during the day, I am struggling to remain awake enough to care properly for my daughter.

Don’t panic or report me to the authorities just yet, hear me out first!

I get up with her in the morning and feed her and change her, and usually sit on the floor with her and play with her. But lately I’ve been sitting on the floor to play and waking up with her crawling all over me, pulling my hair, banging on my face. Now, we have the living room baby proofed, and blocked off so she can’t get out and explore the rest of the apartment, since we are still trying to get everything unpacked and put away, and I feel that the rest of the apartment isn’t truly safe for exploration yet. But I still feel guilty every time I wake up to find she has been effectively left to her own devices while mommy snoozed on the floor.

I have been having panic attacks at night, which makes me anxious that I’ll have more, which gets my adrenaline pumping, which in turn keeps me awake and causes me to panic about not getting sleep, which in turn leads to more panic attacks. It’s a pretty vicious cycle. I’ve had problems with anxiety since high school, but I had kept it under pretty good control since having Briana. Luckily (or perhaps because of sheer determination on my part) I have not yet had a panic attack while caring for Bri. It’s always been after she is asleep and it’s time to start settling down for the night.

David helps me through my panic attacks when I truly can’t get them under control myself (like this morning – Thursday morning – when from about 1 in the morning until about 5 I was practically hyperventilating…I finally had to wake him up to just break my panic cycle and help me talk myself down.)

If he hadn’t have come home sick from work again today, I would have been trying to care for Briana on 2 hours of sleep. And, as it is, David should have been resting, not taking care of Briana, so that made me feel even more guilty.

I am hoping that once I get insurance again (which should be sometime after August 24th), I can get in and talk to a doctor about my anxiety, but until then, I am really on my own. Have any of you ever struggled with anxiety and insomnia that stems from anxiety? Do you have any suggestions on how to calm myself down on my own?

I am forcing myself to get off of the computer and go lay down after I am finished with this blog, but I feel wide awake, and I’m already feeling stressed that I won’t get any sleep. Even though I know that I am working myself up, I can’t seem to stop myself from letting the anxiety take over just before bedtime. It’s very frustrating, all the more so because I know how ridiculous it is.

I am hoping that I can get past whatever is causing me to be so anxious again quickly, so that I can start getting some restful sleep (as much restful sleep as can be managed with a teething, clingy eight month old) and keeping my eyes open during playtime. Either that, or I just need to get an IV drip of caffeine.

One Tired Mommy

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