Christmas

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My baby was just a little spoiled this Christmas…

Published December 28, 2012 by JD61088

David and I purchased two little books for Briana for Christmas. One for “her” to unwrap at David’s parents house, and one for “her” to unwrap at my dad and grandma’s place. We kind of figured that since she is so young, she doesn’t know the difference, and we couldn’t afford much else right now, what with me being on maternity leave and everything.

David’s parents had given us a swing for Briana a couple of weeks ago and told us that was her Christmas present, so we weren’t really expecting anything else from them, and when my dad and grandma asked what to get for her, we shrugged and suggested one of those “activity gym” things. The play mat with the little arch over it with toys and mirrors and everything for her to look at. So we figured those two books, a play mat, and the swing were going to be Briana’s Christmas this year, and that next year we would buy more for her and she could rip up all the paper…maybe. She’ll still only be just over a year old next year…but I’m getting ahead of myself.

David and I obviously weren’t thinking. David’s parents are first time grandparents, and my parents aren’t any less excited just because it isn’t their first. Then of course there is my awesome relatives, Aunt Julie and Uncle Tom. Three presents? Um, not quite.

Christmas 1

Briana scored this Christmas…she didn’t know it at the time though. These are two pictures I took of her during present opening – the first one at David’s parents, the second at my dad’s place.

Christmas 3

Christmas 4

I don’t think she was very impressed. 🙂

Oh, well. Next year.

I have been feeling a lot better the last couple of days. Still a little down, but less noticeably so. I’ve been laughing more and eating more and just been feeling generally better. Of course, I have been back in therapy, lol. But whatever works! At least I didn’t have to go back on antidepressants. I hate taking those things, they make me feel like a robot. No bueno.

I am still very back and forth about going back to work. One day, I’m like, “Yes, I’m going back to work, but only for 25 hours a week, and that will let me keep my insurance for Briana and still be able to easily pump and keep up my milk supply.” The next day I’m going, “I don’t know…maybe we can figure something else out for her insurance and I can stay home for her.” Two minutes later I’m flip-flopping again. *insert eye roll here* We’ll see what happens. I think I’m hoping for some awesome turn of events that will put David in a better job with awesome insurance before I have to make that decision. *keeps fingers crossed*

Of course, I’m still flip-flopping about pumping. It’s time-consuming and (at times) painful. Plus, when I have caffeine, I end up with a jittery and fussy baby. All inconveniences…but breast milk is what’s best for Briana, so I feel guilty considering formula because pumping is “inconvenient.” Those “what kind of mother would I be” thoughts come to mind then. I know there is nothing wrong with formula, and I don’t fault anyone else for using it. But my milk supply is great and I am perfectly able to provide her with breast milk, and I know it is best for her…so I feel guilty…even though I wouldn’t think there was anything wrong with someone else making the same decision. Silly, yes, but true.

Breast milk is also free. David’s parents have offered to pay for formula if we decide to make the switch, but David doesn’t feel comfortable with that, I think. He likes to do everything on his own (or, on our own). Paying for formula would be pretty tough on us, especially if I don’t go back to work. Of course, if I don’t go back to work, I really don’t have an excuse to quit pumping. Good grief. Why do I always complicate and over think everything?

Happier (But Still Feeling Guilty) New Mommy

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Figuring out Christmas with baby…

Published December 12, 2012 by JD61088

How big of a deal should one make of Christmas when baby is too young to understand? Briana isn’t into toys yet, and although I’ve read her a couple of stories, she’s obviously too young to really pay attention to anything but my voice. She doesn’t need clothes or blankets or anything like that…she’s pretty well set. My in-laws purchased a baby swing for her and gave it to us early, and she seems to really like it – it puts her straight to sleep, anyway. We’re really greatful…except now I have no idea what to get her from us, or if we should get anything at all.

It’s her first Christmas, and I don’t want to ignore it completely. But I don’t know what to do for her either. I guess I could buy her some toys that are for babies a bit older, and wrap them up for her and put them under the tree. But I still feel like I should give her something that she can use now…as ridiculous and silly as that is. She won’t know the difference, but I will.

Anyway. David and I bought her a stocking yesterday, and it’s hanging up on the mantle above the fireplace with our stockings. The little artificial tree we bought is up and decorated. Aside from the fact that my apartment looks like a tornado ripped through it, we’re ready for Christmas to arrive. Maybe I’ll actually have time to clean tomorrow. I hate it when the apartment is a mess, but Briana takes up a lot of time and energy, and I’ve been feeling too depressed to worry about the mess anyway.

I’ve been trying to be more cheerful the past couple of days, but I feel like I’m mostly pretending. The only time I’m not really pretending is when I’m smiling at my baby girl and making faces at her and talking to her. She makes me happy. I just wish I could shake the gloomy feelings the rest of the time.

David keeps pushing me to leave Briana with his parents for a couple of hours so that we can go out on a date. Dinner and a movie or something. We were actually going to go on Sunday, but David got sick, so we didn’t. I haven’t been able to make myself leave her even for a few minutes to run out to the store. It’s kind of silly I guess – she’s more than a month old. I keep finding excuses not to leave the apartment without her, or just not to go myself. But she’s so little and helpless. I keep thinking “What if  she needs me while I’m gone?”

I have to do it eventually…and I better do it soon, because I have to go back to work on January 28th, and I really don’t want the first time I leave her to be the day I go back to work. I don’t think I’d function very well at work if that was the case. 🙂

Maybe tomorrow I’ll make myself run up to the store for just a couple minutes. We’ll see if I actually do. 🙂

Silly New Mommy

 

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