All posts tagged frustration

A little bit of mama ranting today…

Published August 22, 2013 by jessicalynndunning

I was filling out some pages in Briana’s baby book today and I realized how much things have changed in the last couple of weeks. It’s amazing how quickly she picks up new skills and tries new foods and just…learns. She’s my little learning machine.

I wish I learned as quickly as she did. How to make new friends, how to cook new things, how to get a new job, how to keep my apartment looking decent without nagging at my husband and roommate to just clean up after themselves and do their freakin’ chores for once. If I learned as quickly as Briana, I’d have it made!

I spent a great morning and early afternoon with Miss Bri, playing and chasing and loving. But now she’s taking a nap and I suddenly feel very down.

I’ve been trying to be better about housekeeping lately, but I come home from work late at night and look around and it’s like Instant Bad Mood. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle. That laundry pile never seems to get any smaller no matter how often I wash and dry and fold and hang and repeat. And no matter that I had the kitchen pristine a few days ago…no one has really cleaned up after themselves since, so it’s a mess again. And it will likely stay that way unless I clean it myself or nag my husband or roommate to do it.

We moved back in May and we still have boxes sitting in our dining room. Our dining room is directly in front of our front door. So every time I come home from work, the first thing I see is boxes. And my mind goes “BLEEEEH! UNPACKED! MESSY! UNHAPPY!”

I feel unsettled, and I feel frustrated because I feel like I’m the only one who cares that things are messy. And I hate being in the position where I either have to deal with it staying the way it is and be miserable, clean it all up myself and feel resentful, or nag someone else to do it and be considered a complete nagging witch.

I know that I’m not the only one going through this, and that many people, both moms and dads and people as yet unattached find themselves in similar situations all the time. But this is my life and my feeling of unhappiness, and I can express that without being considered a whiner, yes? Sometimes I just want to scream. I want to say “HELLO! DOES NO ONE ELSE SEE THAT GINORMOUS PILE OF LAUNDRY? AM I THE ONLY ONE WITH EYES? HOW MANY TIMES ARE YOU GOING TO TRIP OVER THE DAMN BOX BEFORE YOU TAKE CARE OF IT?

I am not the only one who does anything around here. But sometimes, darn it, it certainly FEELS like I am. Because it is a very rare occasion indeed that someone does something without being poked and prodded and harassed about it.

Mama’s feeling pissy today. I want some unasked for help once in a while. I want to come home to a pristine apartment that I didn’t clean. I want it to be all the more lovely and pristine because it was a surprise I didn’t ask for. Is that a pipe dream? Is that crazy talk?

Frustrated Mama

P.S. I know I kind of did a random 180 on you, starting to talk about Bri and then ranting about mess, but I looked around mid-blog and felt the anger seeping in and couldn’t help it.


Thanksgiving Day and Today

Published November 23, 2012 by jessicalynndunning

I wrote a big long blog post about Thanksgiving Day and the crazy night that followed for Briana and I, and Word Press ate it. For some reason the post didn’t automatically save as a draft like it usually does. I have spent the last ten minutes trying to find it, and it is just…gone. This is a bummer, because I thought it was a particularly good post, and I don’t think I’ll be able to get it exactly right again.

The basic gist of the post was that Briana woke up at 6AM on Thanksgiving Day and refused to go back to sleep. So I was awake with her and trying to get myself ready for the day and then get her ready, all while daddy slept, because he was sick and he had to work that night for “Black Friday” even though it wasn’t Friday yet. (Don’t get me started on retailers opening on Thanksgiving just so they can make more money, or on the people who actually shop on Thanksgiving Day…) He was going to show up later, just in time for dinner, so that he could get some more sleep.

I had never taken Briana anywhere without my husband, so I was freaking out a little bit about getting her out the door and to my Dad’s house without making any dumb mistakes. We did make it there in one piece, however, and I survived not being able to see her in the van. (Either David or myself had been riding in back with her any time we went anywhere, so I hated not being able to see her face and make sure she was okay while I was driving. I think I’m going to invest in one of those mirrors that hangs on the seat so that you can see your baby in the rear-view mirror.)

Briana slept through most of her first Thanksgiving, being passed around to different members of the family like a football. I spent most of the day chatting with my (completely awesome) Aunt Julie and Uncle Tom. They have an eight year old (my favorite cousin), and I really value their input and advice, and just enjoy hearing stories about funny things that happened with my buddy when he was a baby. Julie is hilarious, and she always tells the truth with no sugarcoating when it comes to parenting, which I find refreshing and helpful. It makes me feel not quite so bad when I have a bad day with Briana.

Briana slept for five hours straight at my dads house, then woke up just long enough for a diaper change and a meal before going back to sleep. I knew I was going to regret that later in the evening, and I was completely right. She slept peacefully right up until the moment I walked in the front door at home, and then she woke up and started screaming. Since I had a migraine and had been awake since 6AM and it was now 11PM, this was incredibly frustrating, and painful. Every time she shrieked it felt like someone was hitting me in the face with a hammer while simultaneously squeezing my head in a vice. Not a good thing.

I fed her and burped her and changed her, and she was quiet for about half an hour and then started screaming again. Since she had only eaten off of one side (though at least she emptied me on that side), I thought “Maybe she’s hungry again…” Turns out, she was. She drained my other side too! Well, then she got fussy and gassy, so that set off another round of screaming. It took forever to calm her down from that, and then it was a diaper change, and then it was her being hungry again, and then repeat the whole cycle.

I tried to stay calm, but it’s hard when you have a migraine. The most I could manage was quiet crying instead of hysterical sobbing, and talking quietly to her (really alternating between singing and begging her to be quiet) instead of screaming right along with her. When David called me at 2AM on his second lunch (at my request), I was in the middle of feeding her yet again, and I had a complete breakdown on the phone with him. I had been awake for 20 hours and I was exhausted, I still had a migraine, and Briana just wouldn’t settle down!

David told me that he was going to leave at 3:30. “That’s when I’m scheduled to leave, and if they give me grief over it, I’ll tell them that I have a wife at home who has been awake with a fussy baby for over 20 hours and they can just deal.” I told him not to get fired, but that I would greatly appreciate him getting home as soon as possible. He made a few suggestions to help calm her down, and Briana could hear his voice coming from the phone. I swear to goodness it seemed like she was reaching for the phone, and she started wiggling around. I put it on speaker and he started talking to her (basically pretending to scold her for giving me such a hard time) and she kept looking at the phone and then looking around all confused. I think she recognized his voice and was wondering where daddy was. Maybe I’m just dreaming, and she was just listening to noise. But I can pretend that she was listening to her daddy.

She eventually lost interest when she didn’t spot daddy anywhere, so I told David I would let him get back to work. He promised he would be home as soon as possible, and I hung up. I remember burping her and laying her down on the bed next to me, and I vaguely remember putting the pacifier in her mouth in hopes that she would be quiet long enough for me to get ten minutes of sleep.

David says he got home at about 3:45, and that he found me completely passed out with Briana lying in bed next to me, halfway asleep. He picked her up and held her for a few minutes, and then put her in her bassinet. She didn’t wake up again until nearly seven, thank goodness.

Today I played the “wake up long enough to feed and change the baby and then go back to bed” game. Especially since David was sleeping so that he could work tonight, I felt like I deserved the rest. All three of us woke up at about 3:00 when she was hungry again. David and I stayed awake after she was fed and changed though…Miss Briana did not.

I am hoping that tonight isn’t so difficult. David isn’t leaving for work until 10:00, so I plan on getting a nap in before he goes, just in case…No more 20 hour marathons for me, thank you very much!

Sorry I didn’t post anything yesterday, but you know, it was a holiday and Briana didn’t give me much time to spend on the computer. 🙂 Thanks for continuing to follow along with my (Mis)Adventures.

Tired New Mommy

This outfit also had brown striped pants that had a picture of a turkey on the butt. So she was Mommy’s Little Turkey Butt yesterday. 😀


Day 2 Without Daddy: Spit Up Central and Feeding Frustration

Published November 20, 2012 by jessicalynndunning

Today was a day filled with vomit…luckily just hers and not mine. (Though there was the moment when Briana threw up down my shirt and into my bra that I came pretty close. Gross!)
Last night was pretty filled with spit-up as well, but I managed to not get any on me. Hallelujah for small favors.

In an effort to keep her asleep in the hours she had previously been screaming, I broke my own rule and woke her at about 11:30 to feed her. Briana fell promptly back to sleep, and slept straight through until 1:30, so mission sort of accomplished. Nature pulled a cruel trick however, and I couldn’t fall asleep! I lay there listening to her quietly breathing, peacefully sleeping, and I was wide awake. *sigh*

I could have used that sleep, too, because once she woke up at 1:30, she didn’t fall asleep again until 6:15. So all I really managed to do was move the start of the screaming from midnight to 1:30. Mission not accomplished after all. Sad day.

Breast feeding is a pain in the…rear. I wasn’t meant for it. I screwed everything up by giving her a pacifier the other night in a desperate bid for quiet. Now she is back to not latching properly, as she tries to suck on my nipple like it’s a pacifier. It hurts, and no matter how many times I try to get her to latch properly, she goes right back to doing the same thing. It makes my toes curl, it hurts so bad. I have been using lanolin cream (I think that’s what it’s called), and that helps some, but not a lot.

Everyone pushes breastfeeding so hard at you, that a) you feel like a failure when you can’t get it right and b) you feel like a bad mom when you contemplate stopping. Everyone says it is such a great bonding experience. At this point, it is so frustrating for the both of us that I feel like it is interfering with bonding rather than encouraging it.

I have come so close to just pumping and giving her a bottle…several times last night and the night before to be sure. But I feel so pressured to keep trying – even though it makes me feel so frustrated and angry that I have to walk away from her sometimes. I worry that I am not feeding her well enough to nourish her, and that is why she is so fussy and unhappy. But then, she spits up so often, I don’t know if I am feeding her too much! *sigh* What is a new mom to do?

All I know is that I spent two hours crying with her last night, and a couple hours crying with her today. I feel like I am not doing a good job, even though everyone keeps saying I am doing a great job with her and that I am a “natural” at this whole mom thing. If I am such a natural, why can’t I figure this out?

Bummed Out New Mommy


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