overwhelmed

All posts tagged overwhelmed

Lot’s On Mommy’s Plate

Published November 1, 2013 by jessicalynndunning

Be forewarned: This blog has nothing to do with Bri and everything to do with me and feeling overwhelmed by life. Feel free to skip it.

 

Let me just start by saying, today my nephew had his second heart surgery, and he came through it like the little Champion he is! I’m so happy that his second surgery went well, and hope to be able to hold him again soon. Team Toby all the way! Again, my brother and sister-in-law are handling this a lot better than I think I ever could…I’m having a hard enough time handling it, and I’m the Auntie, not the Mommy or the Daddy. I cried on the way to the hospital today and cried on the way home…Toby may only be four months old, but he’s captured a lot of people’s hearts, and he’s got Auntie Jessie wrapped around his little finger. If my stress and anxiety for him are this high, I imagine if I multiplied it by a million, I may be 50% closer to what Toby’s mom and dad must be feeling. Prayers and love to all of them, and to Toby’s brother and sister as well. 🙂

Now, don’t think poorly of me when I go on to talk about other stresses in my life right now. I’m not complaining so much as unloading. And I’m unloading via my blog instead of talking to someone about it because every time I start talking about it, I end up either bawling my eyes out or shutting my emotions down completely, and neither one is helping me feel better about anything or leach all these bad things out of my system so I can start to feel like I’m not drowning anymore.

This miscarriage thing is hard. Really hard. And I keep trying to act like everything is getting better, but it’s not. I keep having nightmares about it, and dreaming about a newborn baby crying that I can’t find. It cries and cries, and I look and look, and I can’t find it. I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl or if it’s mine or if it belongs to someone else…all I know is that the baby needs someone to find it, and I can’t, I keep failing. I wake up feeling more exhausted than when I went to sleep, and my heart is heavy. It doesn’t make sense for it to hurt so much. How can I miss something I never had?

I wanted to get counseling, but my insurance (OH, MY INSURANCE….more on that in a minute) has me listed as having a preexisting condition” because of me seeking counseling before, so I am not eligible for any treatment for depression until March. “Oh, you were depressed before…you’ll have to wait 6 months to get treated for that. Good luck in the meantime!” Thanks, guys.

In other crappy news, I got my insurance card in August and was told my insurance would be effective in September. Then, just after I went to the doctor for the blood test to find out if I was indeed having a miscarriage (they wanted to check my  hormone levels), I get a letter stating that I am no longer eligible for insurance as of September. It said something about Cobra, and I thought it was a letter saying I wasn’t qualified for Cobra anymore because of becoming eligible for insurance through my job, so I set it aside and forgot about it. (It was a very confusing letter, but I thought I had it deciphered…) Turns out, I was wrong, because I got a statement from the insurance company today stating that I owed my doctor 76 dollars for the blood work, because I wasn’t covered at the time of services.

What the flipping heck?!

And in keeping with the twisted sense of humor that the universe seems to employ at times like these, I got the letter on a Friday and thus can’t call and yell at anyone until Monday. By which time my fiery indignation will have turned to polite worry, and I’ll probably be given ten different phone numbers to call and not get anything accomplished.

I’m most worried about Briana’s insurance, because she’s on Molina right now and Molina’s contract with her pediatrician is ending starting in January. We LOVE Dr. Stephens and don’t want to lose him as her provider. I wasn’t worried about it before because he’s on the Blue Cross network. Now, I have to scramble around like a crazy person to get her insurance switched if this insurance thing with my work doesn’t get straightened out. Thanks for the added stress, work. I really needed this right now.

We got our final bill for the apartment since we broke our lease, and lets just say I hope someone rents it soon, because if not my credit history is SCREWED. I could buy a used car for the amount they’re saying we’ll have to pay if no one rents it until May when our lease would have been up.

David is still sick and still not working and, I’ll be honest, that’s THE SINGLE MOST STRESSFUL thing going on in my life right now. This financial situation that we’re in, to put it succinctly, sucks, and our hole keeps getting deeper instead of getting smaller. If David went back to work, my life would feel so much more manageable right now, and I can’t help feeling a little resentful toward him about that. And I feel like a terrible wife for saying that, because he’s sick and needs my support and needs to be able to lean on me right now. God knows I’ve leaned on him in the past. But the problem with him leaning on me right now is that I feel about as strong as a blade of grass that’s brown and dying of thirst. Between the miscarriage and stress over money and my depression and feeling like a novice juggler trying to keep 100 balls in the air at once…I’m spent, physically and emotionally.

I no longer feel as if my head is going to explode…I still feel like I’m drowning, and I still feel sad and anxious and depressed and angry. But at least I won’t explode.

 

For those of you who read through this entire whiny melodramatic blog, I apologize sincerely. I’ll try to be better from now on. Just keep swimming, eh? I also promise a Bri Blog soon…one of the last ones for the MisAdventures blog!

An Overwhelmed Mommy

 

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Loss

Published October 17, 2013 by jessicalynndunning

I’ve been trying hard to resist writing about this, because I’ve been trying not to think about it. Thinking about it hurts, and it’s easier to not think about it and feel angry at everyone and everything than it is to admit that I am hurting.

On Saturday, October 5th, I took a pregnancy test and found out that I was pregnant. I was blown away…I have been on birth control since six weeks postpartum. I have an alarm set on my phone. I took my pill at the exact same time every single day. But I was pregnant, and terrible timing be damned, I was happy. I made an appointment with my OB on Monday and figured out that my due date would have been June 8th…right in between David’s birthday on the 1st and mine on the 10th. I told Bri in whispers that she was going to be a big sister. (I thank GOD that she was too little to know what that meant…)

But on Thursday the 10th, my happiness turned to worry when I started bleeding. It scared me. I spotted during my pregnancy with Bri, but this didn’t seem normal, and when I called the nurse at my OBs office, she wasn’t very reassuring. Oh, sure, she gave me a rote spiel about how people bleed during pregnancy all the time and it could be nothing…and then spent ten minutes explaining in depth what to expect if I was having a miscarriage.

My mind kind of went numb and I listened to her without really hearing what she was saying. She wanted me to go get a blood test so they could check my hormone levels. She said that depending on the results of that test they may need another blood test in 48 hours. They also told me not to have sex. Um, hello?! Furthest thing from my mind.

I called into work. I was panicked and scared and knew I wouldn’t be able to focus. I got the blood test done and tried to stay positive, but I was still bleeding and I was getting very crampy, and in my heart I knew I was losing the baby before I ever really had a chance to wrap my head around the fact that we were having another child.

The test results were give to me by a different nurse the next day. My hormone levels were extremely low. Much lower than they would be at this point if the pregnancy was viable. “The doctor believes you are having an extremely early miscarriage.” Even knowing beforehand, hearing the words come out of her mouth broke my heart.

She repeated everything the other nurse said about what to expect. She asked if I had any questions. She made a follow up appointment with my OB for me and canceled the other appointments I had made in my initial excitement.

I hung up the phone and sobbed. I felt like my body had betrayed me, that I had betrayed this baby by not providing it with a good enough place to grow and thrive. People have told me I am wrong, that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, that there was probably something seriously wrong and Mother Nature knew it. I’ve had people tell me it’s better this way.

Knowing all of that doesn’t take away the hurt. How is it possible to get so attached to something so quickly? I knew I was pregnant for less than a week, but it doesn’t matter. I never felt the baby move, my belly hadn’t grown bigger, I will never see a picture from an ultrasound or hear the baby’s heartbeat. It doesn’t matter. I’m still devastated.

I can’t decide if it’s better or worse that I had none of those things yet. On the one hand, I had less time to get attached, so even though I am sad and devastated and heartbroken, I know it would have been worse later. But on the other hand, I have absolutely nothing. Nothing to put in a frame, nothing to put in my journal. I don’t have anything concrete to look at.

I don’t even know if it would have been a boy or a girl.

But I have an angel baby.

I had to go to work Friday, still bleeding and cramping and miserable and sad. I was angry that I had to go to work and angry that everyone kept asking me why I was there (because my manager asked me if I would come in anyway and then, disregarding my answer of yes, marked me as being absent, so everyone wanted to know what was happening), angry that I had let myself get so happy so soon and angry at the world just for existing.

Anger got me through my shift. And it was so much easier to be angry than to be sad. But now I am still angry and it’s not helping me not be sad. It’s just pointless anger aimed at nothing in particular. I keep lashing out at my husband, which isn’t fair or right. (And is particularly horrible since he could really use my support right now with everything he is going through.)

I guess I need support too though. I want to feel taken care of. I’m really tired. Not just from lack of sleep, but just from this heavy load I’ve been carrying around since…as long as I can remember. I have always felt like I needed to take care of everyone and be there for everyone else. So here I am, carrying everyone’s problems in my heart, and not dealing with my own.

Ugh. This blog is getting long and melodramatic. Know I am not being this way on purpose. I just feel overwhelmed. I’m just writing what comes to mind because if I don’t I feel like my head will explode.

Bottom line: I thought Bri was going to be a big sister and now she isn’t. At least not yet. I’m sad and dealing with that poorly. My plate is very full. Life is hard. I’ll get over it eventually.

Still a Mom to One

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