It’s me again! Just reminding you that I now have a NEW BLOG. Well, it’s not really new, it’s been around for almost a year. But I’m inviting you to come check it out! Trying to bring some more of my “followers” of this blog over to Mommyhood in Motion! I feel like the change in name really lost me a large part of my readers! Here’s a link to my latest! Come follow along! New and exciting things are coming soon!
http://mommyhoodinmotion.wordpress.com/2014/09/27/bedtime-fear/
I was kind of hoping to bring some of my “old” followers to my new blog. Please come join me over there at Mommyhood in Motion!
Here are a couple links to blogs I’ve written over there. Hope to see you soon!
http://mommyhoodinmotion.wordpress.com/2014/08/27/yesterday-today-tomorrow/
http://mommyhoodinmotion.wordpress.com/2014/05/24/kids-grow-up-too-fast/
http://mommyhoodinmotion.wordpress.com/2014/01/28/letting-go-of-some-guilt/
Thank you all so much for joining me on my MisAdventures this past year as I figured out how to be a mom without losing my mind, and thank you for supporting me through some rough patches and not running away when I went on rambling rants that didn’t make a whole lot of sense to anyone but me.
I cannot believe that my beautiful daughter is one year old already. It really doesn’t seem like she’s been around for a full year…but at the same time it’s hard to remember what life was like without her, now that my whole world revolves around her. We didn’t do much today to celebrate other than telling her all day “happy birthday” and me crying frequently as I went through practically the whole year of pictures and reminded her frequently that I love her. I rocked her through her entire afternoon nap, both because I know the rocking days are going to end more quickly than I ever thought possible, and because I wanted to be holding her at the exact moment that she had been born a year ago. I’m silly, I know, but I wanted her in my arms, just like she had been a year ago when she was born. I laughed softly to myself at her long legs hanging off of my lap…She certainly has grown in just one year!
We did go out to dinner with my dad to celebrate. My in-laws were supposed to join us, but unfortunately, my mother-in-law had another migraine and wasn’t feeling up to it.
I hope all of you will follow me to my new blog space over at http://mommyhoodinmotion.wordpress.com/, and that you’ll come give my Facebook page a like at https://www.facebook.com/MommyhoodInMotion. I try to post several times a day on my Facebook page, so even when I miss a couple of weeks with my blog, you can keep up with my cute little kiddo and all her funny moments over there on FB.
If you want to see pictures of Briana’s big day (her birthday party on Saturday) you’ll have to go to the new blog, since this one is now defunct! I’ll post reminders a few times over the next few weeks to go to the new blog, so you don’t miss anything. 🙂
Thank you again for following along. It’s been fun sharing my MisAdventures with you!
No Longer a New Mommy, but always Briana’s Mommy,
Jessica
P.S. I couldn’t include all of them, but here a few pictures from Briana’s first year of life. Starting with the day she left the hospital, and ending with dinner tonight. 🙂
It seems like it was just a few days ago that the doctor placed you in my arms, tiny and pink, and crying the most beautiful sound I had ever heard in my life. When my arms felt your weight, the world around me dropped away, and all I could do was look into your gorgeous blue eyes and tell you “You’re so beautiful. I’m your mommy. I’ve waited so long to meet you!” There were nurses and doctors bustling around, but I don’t remember what they were saying. I don’t even remember what your daddy said. All I remember is you. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. They put you inside my hospital gown so you could have skin-to-skin time with me and I could keep you warm and close and bond with you. I didn’t ever want to let you go.
Of course, I had to, eventually. They took you over with your daddy across the room to get weighed and measured. You were 7 pounds 8 ounces and 20.5 inches of perfection. They cleaned you up and put a diaper and a shirt on you, put a hat on your head, and finally let your daddy hold you. Don’t ever let him tell you any different: you had him wrapped around your finger from the moment he first laid eyes on you. He held you for a while, and then I wanted you back in my arms. We all sat together on the bed, taking each other in.
People came to see you. Grandma and Poppy, Grandpa and Great Grandma, Grammy, Auntie Sarah, and Uncle Tom and Aunt Julie, and even your cousin, Truman. They all wanted a glimpse of you, they all wanted to hold you, and they were all so incredibly happy to meet you. I’d had a long day, though, so they all went home after a while so that we could rest and get to know one another.
That first night in the hospital though, I couldn’t sleep. I kept sitting up to check on you in your little hospital bassinet, wanting to make sure you were swaddled in your blanket, that you were comfortable, that you were safe. You slept perfectly. You only woke up once, wanting a fresh diaper and to eat. Daddy slept through it on his “daddy bed” by the window.
We didn’t get to take you home until the next night, pretty late. Your daddy and I got you dressed together in your cute little going home outfit that I had chosen for you weeks before you were born. You were not happy about getting dressed. You screamed and cried and fussed. You would have been perfectly happy and content to go home in your hospital shirt, but it was too cold outside for that!
We gathered up all of our bags and the flowers and cards people had sent for you. We gathered up your baby book and your footprints,and all of the paperwork. And then we very carefully strapped you into your car seat so that we could take you home. Grandma helped us get everything into the van, but I wouldn’t let anyone touch your car seat. I wanted to put you in the car myself so that I knew you would be safe.
Daddy drove very carefully on the way home. We had you in the car, and you’re precious cargo! You slept the whole way home.
When we made it to the apartment, your first home, daddy and I told you “Briana, look, we’re home! This is where you’re going to live!” But you didn’t open your eyes. We think you were resting up so you could look properly when it was light outside.
Daddy changed your diaper, and then I fed you, sitting in the rocking chair in your bedroom. You didn’t eat for very long. You were more interested in sleeping. Daddy and I swaddled you up in your hospital blanket, and very carefully put you in your bassinet by my side of the bed. All of this was at about midnight, and you slept straight through the night. I only woke up every twenty minutes or so to check on you, too, so I got a bit more sleep than at the hospital.
And now, you’re a whole year old! That’s a whole year of you growing and learning and changing every day! And you may not understand this story now, but I think in a couple of years you will. I hope you enjoy it. It’s the story of our first day together. It’s the best day of my life.
Love,
Mommy
Note: I’m going to either do a book with photos of all of these things and make it a storybook that way, or I’m going to have David draw the pictures that go with it and turn it into a book for her. I’ll probably simplify some of it a little more, but the essence will remain the same. I am also going to print all the blogs that are Briana related (so, not the ones where I’m complaining about being depressed, lol) and have them bound. I’ll give them to her when she’s older. I hope to do this with all of my kids, but life gets crazy, so who knows what will happen?
Be forewarned: This blog has nothing to do with Bri and everything to do with me and feeling overwhelmed by life. Feel free to skip it.
Let me just start by saying, today my nephew had his second heart surgery, and he came through it like the little Champion he is! I’m so happy that his second surgery went well, and hope to be able to hold him again soon. Team Toby all the way! Again, my brother and sister-in-law are handling this a lot better than I think I ever could…I’m having a hard enough time handling it, and I’m the Auntie, not the Mommy or the Daddy. I cried on the way to the hospital today and cried on the way home…Toby may only be four months old, but he’s captured a lot of people’s hearts, and he’s got Auntie Jessie wrapped around his little finger. If my stress and anxiety for him are this high, I imagine if I multiplied it by a million, I may be 50% closer to what Toby’s mom and dad must be feeling. Prayers and love to all of them, and to Toby’s brother and sister as well. 🙂
Now, don’t think poorly of me when I go on to talk about other stresses in my life right now. I’m not complaining so much as unloading. And I’m unloading via my blog instead of talking to someone about it because every time I start talking about it, I end up either bawling my eyes out or shutting my emotions down completely, and neither one is helping me feel better about anything or leach all these bad things out of my system so I can start to feel like I’m not drowning anymore.
This miscarriage thing is hard. Really hard. And I keep trying to act like everything is getting better, but it’s not. I keep having nightmares about it, and dreaming about a newborn baby crying that I can’t find. It cries and cries, and I look and look, and I can’t find it. I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl or if it’s mine or if it belongs to someone else…all I know is that the baby needs someone to find it, and I can’t, I keep failing. I wake up feeling more exhausted than when I went to sleep, and my heart is heavy. It doesn’t make sense for it to hurt so much. How can I miss something I never had?
I wanted to get counseling, but my insurance (OH, MY INSURANCE….more on that in a minute) has me listed as having a preexisting condition” because of me seeking counseling before, so I am not eligible for any treatment for depression until March. “Oh, you were depressed before…you’ll have to wait 6 months to get treated for that. Good luck in the meantime!” Thanks, guys.
In other crappy news, I got my insurance card in August and was told my insurance would be effective in September. Then, just after I went to the doctor for the blood test to find out if I was indeed having a miscarriage (they wanted to check my hormone levels), I get a letter stating that I am no longer eligible for insurance as of September. It said something about Cobra, and I thought it was a letter saying I wasn’t qualified for Cobra anymore because of becoming eligible for insurance through my job, so I set it aside and forgot about it. (It was a very confusing letter, but I thought I had it deciphered…) Turns out, I was wrong, because I got a statement from the insurance company today stating that I owed my doctor 76 dollars for the blood work, because I wasn’t covered at the time of services.
What the flipping heck?!
And in keeping with the twisted sense of humor that the universe seems to employ at times like these, I got the letter on a Friday and thus can’t call and yell at anyone until Monday. By which time my fiery indignation will have turned to polite worry, and I’ll probably be given ten different phone numbers to call and not get anything accomplished.
I’m most worried about Briana’s insurance, because she’s on Molina right now and Molina’s contract with her pediatrician is ending starting in January. We LOVE Dr. Stephens and don’t want to lose him as her provider. I wasn’t worried about it before because he’s on the Blue Cross network. Now, I have to scramble around like a crazy person to get her insurance switched if this insurance thing with my work doesn’t get straightened out. Thanks for the added stress, work. I really needed this right now.
We got our final bill for the apartment since we broke our lease, and lets just say I hope someone rents it soon, because if not my credit history is SCREWED. I could buy a used car for the amount they’re saying we’ll have to pay if no one rents it until May when our lease would have been up.
David is still sick and still not working and, I’ll be honest, that’s THE SINGLE MOST STRESSFUL thing going on in my life right now. This financial situation that we’re in, to put it succinctly, sucks, and our hole keeps getting deeper instead of getting smaller. If David went back to work, my life would feel so much more manageable right now, and I can’t help feeling a little resentful toward him about that. And I feel like a terrible wife for saying that, because he’s sick and needs my support and needs to be able to lean on me right now. God knows I’ve leaned on him in the past. But the problem with him leaning on me right now is that I feel about as strong as a blade of grass that’s brown and dying of thirst. Between the miscarriage and stress over money and my depression and feeling like a novice juggler trying to keep 100 balls in the air at once…I’m spent, physically and emotionally.
I no longer feel as if my head is going to explode…I still feel like I’m drowning, and I still feel sad and anxious and depressed and angry. But at least I won’t explode.
For those of you who read through this entire whiny melodramatic blog, I apologize sincerely. I’ll try to be better from now on. Just keep swimming, eh? I also promise a Bri Blog soon…one of the last ones for the MisAdventures blog!
An Overwhelmed Mommy
The last couple weeks have been difficult for me. I withdrew emotionally from everyone around me in an effort to hide how deeply I was affected by my grief over the miscarriage. This included Briana. I had a really tough time holding her for a week or so after the miscarriage, because every time I picked her up to cuddle with her, I’d end up crying/sobbing/weeping. I was grumpy at work and grumpy with my husband and just feeling generally angry at everyone and everything.
In the last couple of days, I’ve started to feel better. I realized I missed Briana, and spent most of Sunday and yesterday morning cuddling with her and playing with her and just being a mommy to her. I think she missed me, too, because she let me cuddle with her for quite a bit longer than she does on a normal day. That little girl is usually way too busy exploring everything to want to spend time cuddling. In fact, today, we cuddled a bit, too, but she wanted to play today, and also napped quite a bit.
It feels good to be “back” even though I never really went anywhere. I’m still sad, but I’ve got the sadness under control, and I feel back to my normal self…as normal as I ever am anyway. 🙂
Briana has been cracking me up. She’s getting quite forceful about what she wants and when she wants it, and David and I have been working hard to curb the “attitude” as much as we can. I jokingly told her the other day she has to wait until she’s at least two to start throwing temper tantrums. She laughed like she actually understood what I said and thought that was the funniest thing she had ever heard. Oy. I’m in trouble.
She’s so close to walking. I know I’ve been saying that for a couple of months now, but we’ve been holding our breaths every time she stands without holding onto something. She’ll do it and act like she’s going to take a step, and then she just sits down and we all start breathing again. I so hope that I am home the first time she takes a step. It will break my heart if I miss it.
She has a third tooth now! Her upper left front tooth has come in. We figured out it had come in when she started clicking her teeth together…almost grinding them. It’s the weirdest sound, and I wish she would stop doing it. I don’t know how to get her to stop though, so…oh well? I can’t wait until we can really see it when she smiles. Right now it’s too tiny. I can only really see it when I’m brushing her teeth.
Briana is completely refusing to eat baby food anymore. She starts fussing and crying if you try to feed it to her. She has this attitude that clearly says “I CAN DO IT MYSELF!” The only exception is her yogurt. She’ll still let me feed that to her, because she can’t eat it with her hands. And with some fruit that she has a hard time picking up because it’s slick, she’ll let me put the pieces in her mouth. But she is so over the purees, thank you very much.
She likes to share her food with us, too, but only if SHE hands it to us. God forbid you reach down and take something off of her tray. She glares and slaps your hand. No joke. She is possessive about her food! But if she reaches up to put it in your mouth, it’s fine, and hilarious. She always smiles and laughs when we let her do it.
One mealtime battle we’ve been fighting is trying to prevent her from throwing food over the side of her high chair for the dog. And keeping her from throwing her sippy cup over the side. She’s nearly brained the poor dog a couple of times, because Faith’ll be sitting there expectantly waiting for food to fall from the sky, and a sippy cup comes flying at her instead. Briana understands that she isn’t supposed to do this. I’ve caught her doing it when my back is turned, and if I turn around and catch her, she smiles at me and puts the food back on her tray.
No one warned me keeping a straight face was so freakin’ hard when you’re trying to be stern with your nearly one year old daughter! And who teaches these babies how to perfect their “I’m so innocent and cute” looks at such a young age?!
And then I feel like such a jerk when I get stern and her face gets all sad and she fusses. She’s got me wrapped around her little finger, but I’m being consistent anyway. I know that’s the most important thing!
I’ve been really concerned about the whole discipline thing. I mean, obviously discipline hasn’t really been an issue as of yet, and right now it’s pretty simple. But once she gets older, it’ll be harder. I guess I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing until it stops working?
Anyway, I’m learning new things every day, just like she is.
We’re going to take her to the pumpkin farm on Thursday. I am super excited, because she wasn’t born until after Halloween last year, so this is the last First Holiday she will experience. She was still a newborn for Thanksgiving and Christmas and such last year, but she DID experience them (well, slept through them anyway), so Halloween is the last big one left! Of course, Thanksgiving and Christmas will probably be more fun this year since she’ll be awake and interested in what is happening. 🙂
I’ll be sure to come back and post pictures.
Briana’s birthday is two weeks from today, and her birthday party is on the 9th. It’s going to be Baby Minnie Mouse themed, and we’ve already purchased (and or been given) nearly everything we need for the party. I’m so excited! I’ll post lots of pictures of the party and decorations!
Don’t forget to go like my Facebook page so you can stay updated on the day-to-day stuff with Bri!
https://www.facebook.com/MommyhoodInMotion
Hope to see lots of new faces over there! Also, don’t forget to follow my new blog! As of November 5th, MisAdventures of a New Mom will be moving over to Mommyhood in Motion at http://mommyhoodinmotion.wordpress.com/ and I’m hoping all of you follow me over there!
Improving as a New Mom
I’ve been trying hard to resist writing about this, because I’ve been trying not to think about it. Thinking about it hurts, and it’s easier to not think about it and feel angry at everyone and everything than it is to admit that I am hurting.
On Saturday, October 5th, I took a pregnancy test and found out that I was pregnant. I was blown away…I have been on birth control since six weeks postpartum. I have an alarm set on my phone. I took my pill at the exact same time every single day. But I was pregnant, and terrible timing be damned, I was happy. I made an appointment with my OB on Monday and figured out that my due date would have been June 8th…right in between David’s birthday on the 1st and mine on the 10th. I told Bri in whispers that she was going to be a big sister. (I thank GOD that she was too little to know what that meant…)
But on Thursday the 10th, my happiness turned to worry when I started bleeding. It scared me. I spotted during my pregnancy with Bri, but this didn’t seem normal, and when I called the nurse at my OBs office, she wasn’t very reassuring. Oh, sure, she gave me a rote spiel about how people bleed during pregnancy all the time and it could be nothing…and then spent ten minutes explaining in depth what to expect if I was having a miscarriage.
My mind kind of went numb and I listened to her without really hearing what she was saying. She wanted me to go get a blood test so they could check my hormone levels. She said that depending on the results of that test they may need another blood test in 48 hours. They also told me not to have sex. Um, hello?! Furthest thing from my mind.
I called into work. I was panicked and scared and knew I wouldn’t be able to focus. I got the blood test done and tried to stay positive, but I was still bleeding and I was getting very crampy, and in my heart I knew I was losing the baby before I ever really had a chance to wrap my head around the fact that we were having another child.
The test results were give to me by a different nurse the next day. My hormone levels were extremely low. Much lower than they would be at this point if the pregnancy was viable. “The doctor believes you are having an extremely early miscarriage.” Even knowing beforehand, hearing the words come out of her mouth broke my heart.
She repeated everything the other nurse said about what to expect. She asked if I had any questions. She made a follow up appointment with my OB for me and canceled the other appointments I had made in my initial excitement.
I hung up the phone and sobbed. I felt like my body had betrayed me, that I had betrayed this baby by not providing it with a good enough place to grow and thrive. People have told me I am wrong, that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, that there was probably something seriously wrong and Mother Nature knew it. I’ve had people tell me it’s better this way.
Knowing all of that doesn’t take away the hurt. How is it possible to get so attached to something so quickly? I knew I was pregnant for less than a week, but it doesn’t matter. I never felt the baby move, my belly hadn’t grown bigger, I will never see a picture from an ultrasound or hear the baby’s heartbeat. It doesn’t matter. I’m still devastated.
I can’t decide if it’s better or worse that I had none of those things yet. On the one hand, I had less time to get attached, so even though I am sad and devastated and heartbroken, I know it would have been worse later. But on the other hand, I have absolutely nothing. Nothing to put in a frame, nothing to put in my journal. I don’t have anything concrete to look at.
I don’t even know if it would have been a boy or a girl.
But I have an angel baby.
I had to go to work Friday, still bleeding and cramping and miserable and sad. I was angry that I had to go to work and angry that everyone kept asking me why I was there (because my manager asked me if I would come in anyway and then, disregarding my answer of yes, marked me as being absent, so everyone wanted to know what was happening), angry that I had let myself get so happy so soon and angry at the world just for existing.
Anger got me through my shift. And it was so much easier to be angry than to be sad. But now I am still angry and it’s not helping me not be sad. It’s just pointless anger aimed at nothing in particular. I keep lashing out at my husband, which isn’t fair or right. (And is particularly horrible since he could really use my support right now with everything he is going through.)
I guess I need support too though. I want to feel taken care of. I’m really tired. Not just from lack of sleep, but just from this heavy load I’ve been carrying around since…as long as I can remember. I have always felt like I needed to take care of everyone and be there for everyone else. So here I am, carrying everyone’s problems in my heart, and not dealing with my own.
Ugh. This blog is getting long and melodramatic. Know I am not being this way on purpose. I just feel overwhelmed. I’m just writing what comes to mind because if I don’t I feel like my head will explode.
Bottom line: I thought Bri was going to be a big sister and now she isn’t. At least not yet. I’m sad and dealing with that poorly. My plate is very full. Life is hard. I’ll get over it eventually.
Still a Mom to One
My little baby girl is growing up so fast. I was standing at work today, and I remembered this time last year, when I was so close to my due date. I was so certain I would have her early, even though everyone kept telling me that she would be late because she was my first. I had hit that point midway through October when I was just DONE being pregnant, and I couldn’t wait to have her in my arms instead of kicking me in the ribs. Everyone kept telling me to cherish every moment she was still inside my body, protected from the world, nourished and warm and safe, but all I wanted was to meet her and see her eyes and toes and fingers, to kiss her head and hold her close and tell her that I loved her more than anything in the whole world.
I got all teary eyed at work.
I miss having her with me everywhere I go. I mean, I used to take her to work with me every day, right? It doesn’t matter that she was in my uterus, does it? 🙂
And then she was born, and I was just in awe of this cute little pink creature with her wide blue eyes staring around at the world. But the world suddenly seemed like a scary place to me…germs and sharp edges and choke-sized objects, and chemical cleaners that could be accidentally ingested. I suddenly understood what everyone had been saying before.
Anyway. I know I’ll have that feeling again next time we have a baby, and this time I’ll take the time to cherish it the way that I should have up until the very last day of my pregnancy with Briana.
Speaking of Briana…
My little girl has PERSONALITY. And sometimes ATTITUDE.
I reached out to take a piece of her chicken to nibble on during her lunch today, and she smacked my hand and glared at me. No joke. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. And yesterday, she was playing with something and I tried to take it away, and she lay down on her back, wrapped her hands and feet around it (a bottle of lotion) and yelled when I tried to take it. It’s so funny how she goes from so sweet and laughing one second to super tired and grumpy and attitude filled the next. I thought mood swings were for teenagers? 🙂
Anyway, for the most part she is still my sweet little smiley child, but there are just a couple of moments every day where I get a glimpse of her daddy’s stubborn streak and my determination all mixed into one, and only one thought crosses my mind: “Uh oh.” Or sometimes “We’re in for it…”
We’re finally getting her settled back into a semi-regular routine now at grandma and grandpa’s house, excepting the fact that she is still waking up in the middle of the night sometimes. She now has a semi-regular wake time, nap time, feeding time, play time schedule. It’s easier to stick to it here for some reason.
Her aunt Sarah bought her one of those Playskool Elephant things that blows multi-colored balls out of its trunk and catches them in its ears so that it can blow them out again. (I tried to post a picture but had trouble. Here’s a link to Wal-Marts website… http://www.walmart.com/ip/16829720?wmlspartner=wlpa&selectedSellerId=3&adid=22222222227009551124&wl0=&wl1=g&wl2=c&wl3=13955890630&wl4=&wl5=pla&wl6=34874126350&veh=sem )
Bri has been having SO much fun with that thing. She’s figured out how to turn it on by herself, and she loves watching it and picking up the balls that fall on the ground and putting them back in the ears…I’ll admit that mom has been having fun playing with it too…Errr….playing with Briana while SHE plays with it. Sure, that’s what I mean. 😀
Anyway. I meant to do this long in-depth blog about Briana, but I’m falling asleep at my keyboard! Some day I’ll have more energy or remember to blog BEFORE work. I’ll try again later this week.
Love from a Tired New Mommy
In less than a month, I’ll be moving over to my new blog, Mommyhood in Motion. (Which means, *sniffle* my daughter will be one year old in less than one month!)
Here’s the link…PLEASE go follow my new blog so you don’t miss out. New and exciting things are coming! 🙂 I’m going to try to add a recipe page, and a page with links for resources and such for moms and dads. It’s gonna be big…or at least, that’s the goal!
http://mommyhoodinmotion.wordpress.com/
I am feeling a little lost…I cannot believe that this brilliant little girl has been a part of our lives for nearly a full year. It certainly went by quickly!
I will try to update more about Bri soon, but I can’t promise, because we still aren’t all moved in!
The (Mis)Adventures of a New Mom 